A New Collection of CCW Aces

Somehow, the pitching in this league just continues to get better. 

Think back a few years ago, when of the guys still in the league, Smithey and Reid Werner were in a class alone. Then, Myc Witty and Aidan Palmer forced themselves into the same tier. Last year, Dustin Dowden and Holden Palmer brought themselves up to the same competitive level - not because of any dropoff from the guys already in that tier, but due to a steady improvement from them. This year, three new names are poised, pending continued strong work, to join that same echelon. 

Mitch Buis has been a strong, borderline ace-level arm in the league for years now, but so far this year, he is looking like he’s taken another step forward. Through 3 starts, only two other pitchers have struck out more batters than he has. He allowed just one run each in two of his three starts. Most of the damage he’s allowed has come off the slow pitch - when he’s on the board, Mitch is as unhittable as any guy in the league.

The other half of the Hounds’ pitching two-headed monster is Austin Alles. Alles got his first action on the mound last season, showing serious potential, but failing to consistently hit the board enough for prolonged success. But, in what is bad news for the rest of the league, he’s hitting the board this season. Alles has a paltry 1.64 ERA across 11 innings - the 6th best among pitchers with at least 2 games under their belt. His performance is capped off by a dazzling 4 inning, complete game one-hitter with 10 Ks against the high-powered Stampede this last week. 

The most under-the-radar addition to the list is rookie Brayden Scott. Though a relative unknown to CCW, Scott has had success nationally with the YiSH group, and he hasn’t missed a beat so far in his rookie season. He’s supposed to be the Stampede’s 3rd arm (!!) and yet he’s tossed 15 stellar innings, allowing one single run across those 3 starts, scattering just 11 hits. Scott pounds the board as well as anyone in the league, and so your only hope is stringing together a few hits, as you’re unlikely to get a lob pitch against him. 

If you’re counting at home, that gives us 9 guys in the league able to shut down any offense on any given night. As a hitter, you’ve got over a 50% chance you’re seeing one of these guys in a game. Good luck. 

Aidan Palmer is Going to Challenge for a League MVP

Aidan had what was likely the best season in his already storied CCW career last season, and he looks to have taken yet another step further in 2025. The Stampede’s embarrassment of pitching riches have brought Aidan into just 2 games on the mound so far - but what we’ve seen from him so far has been outstanding. Through 2 games, Aidan has allowed just one hit, zero runs, and is striking batters at a rate higher than everyone but Reid Werner. He’s making it clear that his pitching ascendence last season was no fluke, and is still rising.

Perhaps more impactfully, though, Palmer is putting together a much improved offensive campaign. He’s hovering right around the top 10 of total offensive value thus far, powered by 4 home runs, tied with several others at 3rd in the league. He works deep counts, pressuring pitchers to deliver 3 high-quality strikes, as his swing against the lob ball or get-me-over meatballs is as dangerous as any.

It has historically taken two-way success to claim a league MVP award, and Aidan is performing at a high level in both phases of the game right now. If he, and the Stampede by extension, continue their pace, he may have the best argument for the award. 
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Myc Witty is Looking like an Elite Offensive Player

Though we just spent the last paragraph giving another MVP front-runner his flowers, that whole conversation may be a moot point if Myc Witty continues at the pace he is at. He’s, as you know, been a truly dominant pitcher for the last two seasons, and the only thing keeping him from claiming league MVP in back-to-back years as well was his lack of offensive production, compared to Will Smithey’s.

Well, as of this writing, Witty is putting up elite offensive numbers, behind only Smithey and Thomas Hopkins in overall hitting value. And, he’s doing it in ways that feel natural and sustainable to him. His .500 batting average is insane, and yet unsurprising. With his speed, anything hit on the ground or on a line is likely to be a base hit. He’s striking out fewer than most of the top hitters in the league, which of course means he’s putting it in play plenty. And, he’s producing just enough power - 2 home runs so far - to keep defenses honest and provide some instant offense.

The Dowden Transaction Chain Trickle Down Impact

One of the more interesting roster shake-ups in recent memory took place just before fast pitch season, with Dustin Dowden announcing his return to the league. Teams making a waiver claim are required to drop a player with value one tier below the one they are signing - which meant that they couldn’t just drop a rookie or role player. So, when the Yakkers grabbed Dowden, they chose to drop Thomas Hopkins, whom the Moonshots picked up. The Moonshots dropped Connor Young to accommodate that, who was picked up by the Shorts. Their dropped rookie, Byron Young, went unclaimed, and made his way back to the Shorts.

What is particularly interesting about this series of moves is that without exception, all of these guys involved are putting up monster years. It would be easy to say “wow, what a blunder by the Yakkers, look how good Thomas has been” - but that would be ignoring the dominance that Dowden has exhibited so far. As such, each one of these teams may make the same move again, if they had to do it all over again.

Dustin has been among the most effective pitchers in the league thus far, sporting a microscopic 0.49 ERA, and one of those two runs allowed came on two consecutive duck farts by the Shorts to win the game. He’s also hitting, hovering around the top 10 in offensive producers, buoyed by a 3 home run weekend against the 8 Balls.

Hopkins is putting together the best season of his already long and successful career. He’s already nearly matched his offensive production last season in ⅓ of the games. He’s hitting .500, he’s clubbed 7 home runs, and has an OPS at a whopping 1.955 - all of which are tops in the league.

And let’s not forget Connor Young, who has been a crucial contributor for the Shorts offensively, as well. He’s missed a couple of games, but he narrowly missed out on Hitter of the Week in week 2. His 2 home runs and pull-side power make him a danger any at-bat, and he sits right around the top 5 hitters in the league thus far. 

The Yakkers Tinkering May Be Paying Off

The Yakkers have had a disappointing start to the 2025 fast pitch season, but they’ve been dealt an impossible hand. When they signed Dowden at the expense of losing Hopkins, they went all in on a pitching trio of Dowden, Alec Buchman, and Rudy Lyon. Since, Buchman has unfortunately suffered what looks to be a season-ending injury, and the expected important complementary bat in Sawyer Mitchell has been nowhere to be found.

To manager Rudy Lyon’s credit, though, he hasn’t thrown in the towel, and has instead been scrounging the waiver wire to fill the holes. In Buchman’s absence, the Yakkers took a swing on Justin Swingler, a former YiSH ace. His one outing was nothing to write home about, but he has the pedigree to potentially be a strong number 2 option. Lyon and DLewwy will have to carry more innings than expected, but that pitching depth is strong. Most recently, they added veteran James Haworth, who immediately made his presence felt with a big first weekend. He brings a dynamic bat, speed, and defense to a team lacking in those areas.

The biggest question on these acquisitions comes down to playoff eligibility. With nearly half of the season gone, these new additions and Mitchell, who hasn’t been at a fast pitch game yet, will have to be at the Dirtyard just about every week from here on out to gain eligibility. If they aren’t able to, they may help the Yakkers’ footing in the standings, but would leave them shorthanded still when the playoffs come around. In either case, the team looked as good this past week as they have at any point this season, and may no longer be the clear bottom-dwellers. 

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Which of these trends will stick in the league’s second half? Will we see a first-time MVP, or will a stalwart claim the title? Stay tuned to find out! 
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First, let's open in a word of prayer to your deity of preference that we get clear skies and no rain on Wednesday. Amen. 

Week 3 was cut short by the aforementioned conditions, with each team playing just one game apiece. We expect a full slate of games this week, though, as we hit the one-third way mark of the regular season. Here's what to expect this week. 

Stampede vs Hounds
Probable Starters
Aidan Palmer (STD)
Brayden Scott (STD)
Mitch Buis (HWC)
Austin Alles (HWC)

I predict 2 amazing pitching duels in this series. Scott and Alles, two of the largest humans in the league, and Palmer and Buis, tall lanky and nasty. Buis and Alles are stingy to get runs off, but the Stampede's offense is home run happy. Scoring off Aidan looks impossible so far and Brayden’s only surrendered 1 run over 10 innings himself. If either of these games have more than 3 combined runs, I’ll be surprised, and I think those runs happen from dingers not from a string of hits.
Prediction: Stampede win both games


8 Balls Vs Yaks
Probable Starters
Reid Werner (I8B)
Alec Berninger/John Mitchell (I8B)
Dustin Dowden (YAK)
“Arm by committee” (YAK)

The Yaks may look like they’re in a bit of a tail spin but I’m sure Dowden has other plans. Beating Reid is unlikely, and I would guess the Yaks may choose to throw the committee at him. If not, I’d expect a jack-off that 8 Balls look built for. Expect Rudy to put his NHL career aspirations aside and throw some innings for the first time this season. Berny’s stuff has looked good so far this year but has the time off helped or hurt him? I have been informed that John Mitchell, officially the tallest person in the League, may get some innings in if he shows. Whatever the case ends up being I think this series will end up being close, but the games may not necessarily end up being close.
Prediction: Split 1-1




Moonshots Vs Shorts
Probable Starters
Will Smithey (MID)
Ian Garvalia (MID)
Myc Witty (SS)
Dustin Laugel/Connor Young (SS)
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Good news is Witty is back, the Bad news is Dudas is gone. The Shorts can’t afford to lose anymore offense, and this week is looking tough without their leader (despite the rumors of him being washed). This series is hard to predict, Smithey and Witty would be a jackoff most likely, which heavily favors the Moonshots. If those two pitch off from each other they will undoubtedly beat Ian or myself (Laugel).  Speaking of myself, I played in a tournament Sunday where I told myself I wasn’t pitching but emergencies on the mound led me to throw 6 additional innings in between CCW starts. As I write this, I don’t see any possible way my arm can throw much if at all tomorrow. I’m counting on Connor Young to bail me out in this one. Connor showed some promise in his rookie campaign and I hope he can deliver a stellar debut here at a time when the Shorts may need him most. Ian Garvalia has given some quality starts thus far, and winning against him will be by no means be a cake walk.
Prediction: Split 1-1

Stampede vs Yaks
Probable Starters
Holden Palmer (STD)
Brayden Scott (STD)
Dustin Dowden (YAK)
“Arm by committee” (YAK)
Holden Palmer looks to improve on what was a solid first outing. I think Holden stays on the board more this time around and puts up a lot of 0’s. The only way I see him getting beat with the Pedes high-power offense is if Dustin Dowden continues to destroy batters like he has the prior two starts (Holden-Dustin matchup not confirmed just speculation). Dowden was served his first loss and earned run last time out and no doubt he’s looking to avenge that. I fully expect Dowden to be on the right side of pitching duel this week with a possible Jackoff pending (Context... Jackoff = CCW's extra inning home run derby). Brayden “PP” (No Context) Scott is back in action and while it’s hard to believe he will throw another 1ER, 10k game, I wouldn’t put it past him. “Arm by committee” is what Rudy told me on game two, perhaps doubting his lack of reps on the mound this season, but I’d expect very little rust from the seasoned vet. New to the Yakkers pitching committee is rookie to the league, but not the sport, Justin Swingler. Swingler is mostly unknown by the League so I’ll give him what maybe his only 15 minutes of fame here. Long time ace of the Buschwackers, (until 2024 PP) Justin completes what was once known as, and still egotistically referred to as, the YiSH’s “Big 3” (Swingler, Laugel, Scott). Swingler attempted to retire from pitching (and all of Wiffs) at the end of the 2023 season due to a nagging arm injury that we believe to be his UCL (Tommy John). Seeing myself (Laugel) and Brayden still pitching/playing absolutely kills him on the inside so here we are, 3 morons traveling 100 minutes east from southern Illinois to play professional wiffle ball. Gone are Justin’s 90 mph days, but I’ve witness low 80s from him this year, the question IF he throws is how long and how often will he stay on the board? Historically he’s the best NWLA hitter for the YiSH/Buschwackers, but I expect significant rust in his first week of CCW. How will the 3x YiSH MVP fair against CCW while supposedly past his prime? Justin, we’re not in Illinois anymore….


Prediction: Split 1-1


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8 Balls Vs Shorts
Probable Starters
Reid Werner (I8B)
Alec Berninger (I8B)
Dustin Laugel (SS)
Connor Young/Brendan Dudas/”Anyone with a pulse” (SS)
Oh boy, a week without Witty - that means the Shorts will try to keep from soiling themselves by sending the idiot writing this on the mound. I’ve learned one thing over the years, when I feel good, I get shelled, when I feel like hell, I somehow manage a gem. Currently I feel like hell and don’t expect to feel better so the Shorts may be in for a treat. It’s a tall order pitching against Reid Werner and not just because he’s 6’ 4”; If that’s the matchup I’m expected to win, bad news boys, I’m not your guy. The Shorts offense look to keep it going after an outburst in week 2, but unfortunately I sure as hell don’t see it coming against Reid. Alec Berninger’s stuff has looked pretty good thus far, plenty good to spin a gem, but throwing strikes has been a challenge at times. I expect a better Berny this week, but will it be good enough for a W? Connor Young makes his 2025 pitching Debut with high hopes he can shut down the “Shorts only have 2 pitchers” narrative. Connor gave some decent innings last year as a rookie and I expect him to be much more controlled this year. Dudas closed out a game in week 2 and hit 90mph once. Dudas is quite the specimen on the mound, I was impressed with the consistent 85-87 with nasty movement, BUT how often can he stay on the board? How any human being could pitch with such violent mechanics for more than 1 inning is beyond me.


Prediction: Split 1-1


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Moonshots Vs Hounds
Probable Starters
Will Smithey (MID)
Connor Smith (MID)
Mitch Buis (HWC)
Austin Alles (HWC)


I went back and forth on the previous two matchups weather they would be splits or sweeps, but in my opinion, this doubleheader is the easiest split pick. Expect Buis to give a vintage bounce back performance after a rocky start in week 2 and expect Smithey to throw a shutout to keep his fatherhood ERA 0.00. Connor Smith is called upon to give some meaningful innings this week, and Connor showed signs he can give valuable innings last year, just needs more consistency. Whether he matches up against Mitch or Alles, I don’t think the odds are in his favor, but stranger things have happened. Alles looked large and in charge last time out (not a fat joke, he’s just a big dude) giving up only 2 runs in a losing, but stellar effort against Witty and the Shorts. Alles seems to get better every time he pitches, and I don’t expect any different result this week.
Prediction: Split 1-1​

Is this the year that the stove will finally get hot in the CCW midseason?

Though trades are a rarity in Circle City Wiffle - it’s challenging to find swaps that make sense for teams, with players being reshuffled yearly, not to mention having to order a new jersey for a new player - this season has already had an unprecedented amount of player movement. The offseason saw Hounds’ championship cornerstone Myc Witty jump to the rival Short Shorts, Aidan Palmer jumping from the Yaks to the Stampede, and many more unforeseen moves. Then, when Dustin Dowden signed up for the league midway through the Slow Pitch season, the Yakkers jumped at the chance to ink an ace, creating another midseason roster shuffling.

I’d like to hope that this is the year that we finally see trades shake the league up, as we approach the 4th of July CCW Trade Deadline. In that spirit, let’s fire up the CCW Trade Machine and propose some swaps! (Please note that I have no Jorf Porsson sources here - these are purely speculative)
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Shorts 
(9-7 record in 2024)
The Shorts went all in on Myc Witty for a reason; he was only responsible for one loss last year on the mound, giving up 1 run in that game. However, there are new rules in place this year to limit pitchers’ innings. So, the Shorts deciding factor here is probably the idiot writing this article, Laugel. At the end of 2023, I retired from the YiSH and wiffleball in general (aside from an NWLA appearance). Then I saw an X post and, on a whim, decided to drive 100 minutes 1 way to play with these CCW goons. Now, with a more “Typical” off-season, I HOPE to be as good as ever. What the hell does that mean? I’ll probably win 2 games this year instead of 1, especially with this defense behind me.  Connor Young and possibly Dudas himself will need to provide some good innings on the mound as well. Dudas will be his usual top-performing self at the plate, and I’d expect Witty’s off-season bulk to pay dividends at the dish (monster in slow pitch). Laugel batted .310 somehow last year, and Connor Young batted an impressive .339 in his rookie campaign. Mitch Unversaw and Keegan will round out this offense, but will it be anything more than average?
Fast pitch Prediction (9-7)  
Stampede
(6-10 record in 2024)
I think it’s probably safe to say the Stampede (on paper) look like the most improved team from last year. Cade and Dalsen had a bit of an off year at the plate in 2024, but I wouldn’t expect that this year, and with the additions of Bundy and Rookie, Brayden Scott, this offense is looking a lot better. The pitching department? That’s covered. Signing Aiden Palmer to join Holden as one heck of a brotherly 1-2 punch, and we haven’t even mentioned Brayden Scott’s pitching yet. I’m biased as a fellow Buschwacker, BUT when Brayden’s got his stuff working, he’s just as tough as the Palmer Brothers. Tristian Dudas Rounds out this team nicely and looks to improve on a decent 2024 season. I fully expect the Stampede to be a problem this year, but how much of one is hard to predict.
Fast pitch Prediction (8-8)  
Yakkers
(14-6 record in 2024)
The Yakkers were a juggernaut in 2024, going all the way to the championship to ultimately lose the Dirtyard Classic, 2 games to 1. Rudy had a fantastic year in every way last year, and it’s hard to expect him to replicate it again, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. This team looked a bit shaky until the last-minute addition of Dustin Dowden, giving them a solid rotation with Buchman. I see a lot of pitching duels in the Yaks' future as their offense may be a player short. Good performances from Sawyer, D-Lewey, and Colt throughout the season will be needed to remain in the win column. Kent Nims joins this solid roster for his rookie campaign. I see the Yaks ultimately regressing from last year, but still a good competitive team. 
Fast pitch Prediction (7-9)  

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Other Notable Predictions
First person to strikeout              Josh Hart     (2nd inning of Game #1, 1st plate appearance) 
Most Strikeouts as a Batter        Coby Taylor           (46)
Most Beers Consumed                 Dustin Laugel       (85)
Most Hits                                            Alex Gurtcheff       (28)
Most Doubles                                   Myc Witty                  (7)
Most Triples                                      Brendan Dudas       (4)
Season Home Run Leader        Josh Hart                   (74)

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After a couple of weeks off of action - one due to rain and another due to Mother’s Day weekend (we love moms) - CCW is back this Sunday for its final slate of Slow Pitch season games. A crucial series for several teams will open the day, and the championship and consolation games will immediately follow.

By the end of the day Sunday, the Slow Pitch champions will have been crowned. First, let’s reset with our current standings:

1. Moonshots (6-1)
2. Stampede (5-3)
3. 8 Balls (5-3)
4. Hounds (4-4)
5. Yakkers (2-6)
6. Short Shorts (1-6)
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By Joshua Hart, LMHC (B.A New Mexico Institute of Mining & Technology, M.A Paul Mitchell Hair & Beauty)

In a yearly tradition that I average to complete 50% of the time, I have once again risen from my L-shaped sectional couch to write hurtful things about middle-aged men. To be quite honest, I have no clue why this article is even necessary as the Circle City Wiffle website has a larger link tree and more online content than a fitness influencer who lives in southern California. It is almost like league commissioner Brendan Dudas is cosplaying as an MLB executive while his students watch Big Short clips and Moneyball for the 18th time in their current semester.

The real purpose of this article might be to give CCW a shot of personality with the website wreaking of Chat GPT-manufactured content and a player pool that features several individuals incapable of passing a high school physical education test or holding the ability to get a dating app match even if they lived in Umoja, Kenya (Google it). Everyone likes each other. Wives and girlfriends even get along (shocking to say the least). The alcoholics are pretty subtle about it. Rules have been fine-tuned to prevent most angry disputes. The league is about as dry and flavorless as Lizzie Caughey’s sourdough bread, and that is cause for concern.

But wait! Some reports have told me the league is actually in a better spot than it has ever been due to the addition of a three-part schedule featuring slow, fast, and cutball pitching, new rules for pitchers, and a revamped free agency program that was put to use in recent weeks. Some of this information does prove a point because we all know the ultimate sign of a healthy sports association or business is to be constantly changing your methods, rules, and teams (with consolidation and shaky attendance) year after year…

CCW teams all follow the same model. They have one or two players who are very good and take things fairly seriously. Each has two or three players that are happy to be there. Rounding out the rosters are typically a few more guys who will look to utilize every excuse in the world to get to the following message in a group chat: “not gonna make this week guys, but good luck! I’ll try to be there next time for sure.”

Team Previews
​I do want to mention I have no clue the entire 2025 roster for any of these squads. I read the free agency article on CCW’s website, and looked at 2024 stats. I refuse to ask Dudas for a current spreadsheet or do any actual research. And per usual, I do hope someone gets their feelings hurt. If I did not write about you (a particular player), that means I do not care for you.


8 Balls
The most boring franchise in the league year after year, the 8 Balls are never the team that’s fun to play and they aren’t the team who brings the best out of anyone in terms of competition. Gone are the days of the Speek family in their prime so team manager Reid Warner wisely decided to surround the terminator that is Austin Alles and himself by signing the three most out of shape players in league history i.e Cody House, Jay Wilsey, and Alex Gurtcheff (which hurts me to write considering they are all extremely nice people).
That’s about it. They will lose in the semi-finals or something and it won’t be close.

Wait, hang on. Alles isn’t even on this team anymore?? Yikes.

Hounds
Stung by the departure of the only piece of diversity CCW really has (Mike Witty), Dylan Jones was faced with some difficult choices with his franchise that has caused him more stress than the second child he has on the way or the lack of fiber in his diet due to never being willing to eat a vegetable.

Jones did an admirable job piecing together a roster that lost the only person in league history willing to take his shirt off on IG live by signing Austin Alles, Jake Tinkle, and Netflix’s Temptation Island Season 1 cast member Josh Hart aka myself. The Hounds also added Dash’s teacher from The Incredibles in Mitch Buis who might be the Indiana Pacers of pitchers. Competitive, talented, crafty and able to battle with anyone in the league on a given Wednesday or Sunday, unfortunately, you aren’t getting to the top of the mountain with him as an ace.

To be honest, I should probably try to find out the new pitching rules because I want to say that having three solid arms is now a huge deal with the adjusted rules which might mean the trio of Buis, Alles, and Tinkle could bring a championship home with the intangibles Hart brings to the table. Something to keep in mind and could also contradict the rest of this article.

Moonshots
Always a really dangerous threat to get second place, the Moonshots are once again led by one of the best wiffle players in the known universe in Will Smithey. Commitment for improvement has been over the top this offseason as Smithey opted to build a wiffle training facility in his house instead of a nursery for his soon-to-be child. When asked for a comment, Smithey replied, “babies can just sleep on a couch.”

Also on the Moonshots is nice guy Tyler Gregory. Likely in his last year playing in the CCW, Gregory is about as consistent as peanut butter and jelly (I truly have sat at my laptop stuck for the past 10 minutes trying to come up with something terrible to say about him and I am at a complete loss of options).

The rest of this team is more boring than your coworker trying to explain the most recent episode of Severance to you. I want to say they have a couple of Connor’s and a Mitch Universe as well, who has some big look the part, but don't play the part energy.

Finally, the Moonshots also snagged IG influencer (for teens) Cody Fowler, a move that might affect 1-2 weeks of the season at most. Fowler has significant conflicts in his schedule as a private hitting coach who has mastered the concept of posting story highlights to promote his clients when they play well while also demanding they come in for four to five sessions per week when they are in a slump so he can purchase new PXG irons and pay off his gambling debts all in the name of “helping them in their journey.”

Short Shorts
In the most artificially manufactured move in league history, international bodybuilder who is definitely not on steroids Mike Witty “stunned” the wiffle world when he decided to team up with commissioner Dudas after leading the Hounds to a title in 2024. This move did a great job to shake up the league by guaranteeing the 2025 championship before week 1 of competition takes place. I am assuming the Short stance is that their role players are weak, meaning the playoffs are wide open. If Witty can still go nuclear come playoff time on the mound, it won’t matter. There is nobody else in the league with a full set of hair that can match his productivity.

Speaking of role players, CCW regular Keegan Caughey spent more time recreating Good Will Hunting scenes to declare his return to this franchise than he has in a gym over the past five years. The good news? Caughey has likely found the ideal home for an aging veteran. The bad news? Get ready to go see about finding a nice lawn chair for the postseason buddy because you are definitely not getting meaningful at-bats when it gets down to crunch time (again).

Everyone else on this team has to be awful because there’s no way they could afford another player that serves any purpose to a wiffle ball team or a functioning society.

Stampede
The team I want to write about the absolute least has to be the Stampede. The CCW website claims that they had an “aggressive” free agency which honestly does not make sense because the free agency portal basically required every other team to be fairly aggressive as well. The Stampede is a roster filled with B+ players in a league where having one A+ player is all that matters. Players such as Nick Bundy and Dalson Murdock hope to bring a shot of juice to a franchise that refuses to have a good nickname along with a pair of unhinged nutcases on the mound in brothers Holden and Aidan Palmer. Each has the unique ability of being able to throw no-hit shutouts and fall asleep in their car prior to games, forcing teammates to make last-minute adjustments.

Yakkers
Led by the equivalent of leftover brown rice in Rudy Lyon, the Yakkers seem to be a team that struggles to retain or keep top talent consistently. Due to this, Lyon had to go full-blown Adam Sandler in The Longest Yard by signing ace Alex Buchman, recently released from prison after being confused for a Venezuelan cartel member that was going to be included in Trump’s deportation programs. Thomas Hopkins returns and will run slower than ever. Colt Cantrell will likely break four or five bats over the course of the season.

They are destined to be the worst team in the league. How you define worst is up to you, but they will fit that category in some way, shape or form.

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Season Predictions

MVP: *yawn* Will Smithey
Cy Young: *YAWN* Mike Witty
Silver Slugger: Brendan Dudas (so original)
Rookie of the Year: A grown man or a little kid
Defensive Player of the Year: A staple in this article (someone who tries way too hard)
Championship: Short Shorts over Moonshots

7 Tough Questions

1: Have you ever thought about wiffle ball while making love? Will Smithey

2: Will you blink twice if you are in the mafia? Ian Garavalia

3: Are you still in the league or are you fishing? Cody House

4: Is he a good athlete that’s underperforming or a mediocre athlete that’s doing his best out there? Josh Hart

5: Will you ever show up? Devon Hensley

6: Who are you? Mason Bruce

7: There’s a guy named Jathan in this league??? Jathan Wilsey

Most Likely To’s

Probably have a girlfriend now: Austin Alles

Finally have an elbow issue that ends it all (love ya man): Reid Warner

Show up to week one with a brand new car, but it’s a Hyundai. Don’t get me wrong, a pretty nice Hyundai, but you aren’t filled with jealousy about it or anything like that. Gonna receive a lot of “nice car man” comments initially, but then as the days and weeks go by, still gotta deal with the fact that you’re driving a Hyundai and the fun and excitement life could have provided you has probably passed by entirely, partially because a decision was made to buy a Hyundai: Alex Gurtheff

Use a slur, but it’s funny and lightens the mood: Mike Witty

Use a slur, but it makes people quiet and uneasy: Holden Palmer

Get really mad about something, but holds his tongue because he’s a nice guy: Mitch Buis

Sneakily be most competitive person in the league: Cade Luker

Have a little McDonald’s something something on him: Coby Taylor

Meltdown: Colt Cantrell

Wear some silly tights: James Haworth

Say 4 words you understand for every 10 he speaks: Keith Dudas

Have parents that tried “real hard” to come up with a unique name: Connor Smith

Look like a guy who served in Vietnam and returned home broken: Dustin Laugel

Forget what team they’re actually on by Week 3: Ethan New

Show up late and insist it was traffic, despite living 8 minutes away: Brendan Dudas

Casually bring a radar gun to a slow pitch game: Will Smithey

Start a bench-clearing argument, then say “it’s not that deep” later: Honestly, any member of the Dudas/Palmer family + Cade Luker (basically the entire Stampede roster)

Have multiple teammates ask if they’re sober right now: Dalsen Murdock

Post a video of himself hitting in the cage that nobody asked for: Cody Fowler

Talk about being "washed" like he was ever a problem in the first place: Also Cody Fowler

Request his games be moved for a bachelor party he isn't in: Josh Hart

Have a wife more famous than he is in CCW circles: Keegan Caughey

Be way too passionate about lawn care: Brendan Dudas

Randomly reappear in Week 6 like nothing happened: Mike Speek

Secretly run a burner Twitter to argue about league power rankings: Thomas Hopkins

Beg to be mic’d up and immediately say something cancelable: Coby Taylor

Own a massage gun and think that makes him a “recovery guy”: Rudy Lyon

Use the phrase “vibes were off” as a legitimate explanation for going 0-for-8: Dalton Lewis