Jorf Porsson’s Midseason Rumor Roundup: Boulders, Brain Bounces, and Baby Aces

By Jorf Porsson, Wiffle Ball Insider

July Edition | SOURCES ENGAGED

🚨 WITTY TO CRANE: “ME VS. YOU. DEADLIFT. NOW.”

The boulder saga may have ended, but the ego lifting has just begun.

After Brendan “Boulder Bro” Dudas completed his legendary excavation of an incalculably large backyard rock—with the help of a heavy-duty industrial crane, mind you--Myc Witty has reportedly issued a challenge to that very machine: a deadlift showdown for the ages.

Witty, whose muscles have muscles, is reportedly feeling the heat as Boulder Bro’s strength fame spreads. According to SOURCES inside the Shorts’ dugout, Witty was overheard muttering, “You may have the boulder, but I am the mountain.”

Early negotiations suggest the event may be titled “Witty vs. Crane: Iron Reckoning”, and will involve a bench press, deadlift, and a flex-off judged by an anonymous panel of shirtless dudes in jorts.

🧠 TYLER GREGORY NOW ANSWERING TO “G-TY” AFTER MIRACLE CATCH, POSSIBLE HEAD BONK
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We all remember the moment: 2 outs, bottom of the 5th, and Tyler Gregory robs the Shorts of a walk-off homer with a tumbling, toppling, fence-eating highlight reel catch that immediately went viral.

But ever since that fence-induced chiropractic session, SOURCES say he’s been... different.

He now reportedly introduces himself as “Gregory Tyler”, asks teammates to call him “G-Ty,” and during one post-game interview simply said, “I don’t remember the play, but I feel legendary.”
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The CCW front office is now “seriously considering” expanded concussion protocols, including mandatory post-jack-off spelling tests and a 5-minute time-out to remember one’s own name.

🪨 DUDAS TO REBRAND FRANCHISE AS “SOUTHSIDE BIG ROCKS, PRESENTED BY BOULDER BRO™”

The commercialism of pro sports has finally infiltrated the sacred walls of CCW.

Brendan Dudas, manager of the Short Shorts, is reportedly attempting to sell out the franchise harder than a stadium tour sponsored by an energy drink.

Per trademark filings obtained by Jorf, Dudas is preparing to rename the Shorts to:
“The Southside Big Rocks, Presented by Boulder Bro™”

New uniforms are rumored to include denim sleeveless vests, trucker caps, and a team boulder mascot named “Gravel.” Sources say Dudas is also pitching themed walk-up music and trying to land a Red Bull sponsorship that involves base coaches riding dirt bikes.

One anonymous player said, “At this point, I’m not sure if we’re playing wiffle ball or starring in a Discovery Channel pilot.”

👶 YAKKERS SCOUTING SENSATION: SMITHEY’S NEWBORN

Yes, you read that correctly.

After ongoing injuries have created a need for creative roster management, the Yakkers are looking to a rookie... literally.

Team brass is reportedly signing Will Smithey’s newborn child to an active player deal, hoping that some of dad’s elite two-way talent made it through the gene pool.

While the newborn can’t yet walk, throw, or speak, insiders believe he has a “raw competitiveness” and “solid launch angle” when being burped. Plans are reportedly in place for him to lead off and start Game 1 of the Yakkers’ next series.

Said one scout: “Honestly, that baby already shows more plate discipline than half the league.”

🐢 “STINKY RICK” HEADED TO CCW? LAUGEL’S TURTLE-HELMETED PROTEGÉ IN TALKS

The YiSH invasion continues.

After Laugel, Scott, and Swingler made the leap from Southern Illinois to CCW stardom, a fourth import may be joining the league: the myth, the man, the moss-covered legend--“Stinky” Rick “The Turtle Man” Hargraves.

Rick is known for three things:

1. Wearing a turtle shell as a helmet.
2. Refusing to speak—he only communicates through grunts and interpretive dance.
3. Throwing an absurd moonball pitch called “The Big Stink,” which he lobs nearly to the stratosphere before it plops back into the zone with horrifying consistency.

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One CCW hitter said, “I swung at it, missed, and then it hit me on the head. I’m still not sure how.”
Hargraves has reportedly been spotted dragging a wheelbarrow full of boiled eggs and bat knobs into the dugout of an undisclosed team.

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​Stay Tuned...As we approach the back half of the season, you can bet there’s more drama, more jack-offs, and definitely more boulder-related press releases to come.
Until then, I’ve been Jorf Porsson. You’ve been informed. And my SOURCES never sleep.

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