CCW 2025: Haters, Has-Beens, and Hyundai Owners

By Joshua Hart, LMHC (B.A New Mexico Institute of Mining & Technology, M.A Paul Mitchell Hair & Beauty)

In a yearly tradition that I average to complete 50% of the time, I have once again risen from my L-shaped sectional couch to write hurtful things about middle-aged men. To be quite honest, I have no clue why this article is even necessary as the Circle City Wiffle website has a larger link tree and more online content than a fitness influencer who lives in southern California. It is almost like league commissioner Brendan Dudas is cosplaying as an MLB executive while his students watch Big Short clips and Moneyball for the 18th time in their current semester.

The real purpose of this article might be to give CCW a shot of personality with the website wreaking of Chat GPT-manufactured content and a player pool that features several individuals incapable of passing a high school physical education test or holding the ability to get a dating app match even if they lived in Umoja, Kenya (Google it). Everyone likes each other. Wives and girlfriends even get along (shocking to say the least). The alcoholics are pretty subtle about it. Rules have been fine-tuned to prevent most angry disputes. The league is about as dry and flavorless as Lizzie Caughey’s sourdough bread, and that is cause for concern.

But wait! Some reports have told me the league is actually in a better spot than it has ever been due to the addition of a three-part schedule featuring slow, fast, and cutball pitching, new rules for pitchers, and a revamped free agency program that was put to use in recent weeks. Some of this information does prove a point because we all know the ultimate sign of a healthy sports association or business is to be constantly changing your methods, rules, and teams (with consolidation and shaky attendance) year after year…

CCW teams all follow the same model. They have one or two players who are very good and take things fairly seriously. Each has two or three players that are happy to be there. Rounding out the rosters are typically a few more guys who will look to utilize every excuse in the world to get to the following message in a group chat: “not gonna make this week guys, but good luck! I’ll try to be there next time for sure.”

Team Previews
​I do want to mention I have no clue the entire 2025 roster for any of these squads. I read the free agency article on CCW’s website, and looked at 2024 stats. I refuse to ask Dudas for a current spreadsheet or do any actual research. And per usual, I do hope someone gets their feelings hurt. If I did not write about you (a particular player), that means I do not care for you.


8 Balls
The most boring franchise in the league year after year, the 8 Balls are never the team that’s fun to play and they aren’t the team who brings the best out of anyone in terms of competition. Gone are the days of the Speek family in their prime so team manager Reid Warner wisely decided to surround the terminator that is Austin Alles and himself by signing the three most out of shape players in league history i.e Cody House, Jay Wilsey, and Alex Gurtcheff (which hurts me to write considering they are all extremely nice people).
That’s about it. They will lose in the semi-finals or something and it won’t be close.

Wait, hang on. Alles isn’t even on this team anymore?? Yikes.

Hounds
Stung by the departure of the only piece of diversity CCW really has (Mike Witty), Dylan Jones was faced with some difficult choices with his franchise that has caused him more stress than the second child he has on the way or the lack of fiber in his diet due to never being willing to eat a vegetable.

Jones did an admirable job piecing together a roster that lost the only person in league history willing to take his shirt off on IG live by signing Austin Alles, Jake Tinkle, and Netflix’s Temptation Island Season 1 cast member Josh Hart aka myself. The Hounds also added Dash’s teacher from The Incredibles in Mitch Buis who might be the Indiana Pacers of pitchers. Competitive, talented, crafty and able to battle with anyone in the league on a given Wednesday or Sunday, unfortunately, you aren’t getting to the top of the mountain with him as an ace.

To be honest, I should probably try to find out the new pitching rules because I want to say that having three solid arms is now a huge deal with the adjusted rules which might mean the trio of Buis, Alles, and Tinkle could bring a championship home with the intangibles Hart brings to the table. Something to keep in mind and could also contradict the rest of this article.

Moonshots
Always a really dangerous threat to get second place, the Moonshots are once again led by one of the best wiffle players in the known universe in Will Smithey. Commitment for improvement has been over the top this offseason as Smithey opted to build a wiffle training facility in his house instead of a nursery for his soon-to-be child. When asked for a comment, Smithey replied, “babies can just sleep on a couch.”

Also on the Moonshots is nice guy Tyler Gregory. Likely in his last year playing in the CCW, Gregory is about as consistent as peanut butter and jelly (I truly have sat at my laptop stuck for the past 10 minutes trying to come up with something terrible to say about him and I am at a complete loss of options).

The rest of this team is more boring than your coworker trying to explain the most recent episode of Severance to you. I want to say they have a couple of Connor’s and a Mitch Universe as well, who has some big look the part, but don't play the part energy.

Finally, the Moonshots also snagged IG influencer (for teens) Cody Fowler, a move that might affect 1-2 weeks of the season at most. Fowler has significant conflicts in his schedule as a private hitting coach who has mastered the concept of posting story highlights to promote his clients when they play well while also demanding they come in for four to five sessions per week when they are in a slump so he can purchase new PXG irons and pay off his gambling debts all in the name of “helping them in their journey.”

Short Shorts
In the most artificially manufactured move in league history, international bodybuilder who is definitely not on steroids Mike Witty “stunned” the wiffle world when he decided to team up with commissioner Dudas after leading the Hounds to a title in 2024. This move did a great job to shake up the league by guaranteeing the 2025 championship before week 1 of competition takes place. I am assuming the Short stance is that their role players are weak, meaning the playoffs are wide open. If Witty can still go nuclear come playoff time on the mound, it won’t matter. There is nobody else in the league with a full set of hair that can match his productivity.

Speaking of role players, CCW regular Keegan Caughey spent more time recreating Good Will Hunting scenes to declare his return to this franchise than he has in a gym over the past five years. The good news? Caughey has likely found the ideal home for an aging veteran. The bad news? Get ready to go see about finding a nice lawn chair for the postseason buddy because you are definitely not getting meaningful at-bats when it gets down to crunch time (again).

Everyone else on this team has to be awful because there’s no way they could afford another player that serves any purpose to a wiffle ball team or a functioning society.

Stampede
The team I want to write about the absolute least has to be the Stampede. The CCW website claims that they had an “aggressive” free agency which honestly does not make sense because the free agency portal basically required every other team to be fairly aggressive as well. The Stampede is a roster filled with B+ players in a league where having one A+ player is all that matters. Players such as Nick Bundy and Dalson Murdock hope to bring a shot of juice to a franchise that refuses to have a good nickname along with a pair of unhinged nutcases on the mound in brothers Holden and Aidan Palmer. Each has the unique ability of being able to throw no-hit shutouts and fall asleep in their car prior to games, forcing teammates to make last-minute adjustments.

Yakkers
Led by the equivalent of leftover brown rice in Rudy Lyon, the Yakkers seem to be a team that struggles to retain or keep top talent consistently. Due to this, Lyon had to go full-blown Adam Sandler in The Longest Yard by signing ace Alex Buchman, recently released from prison after being confused for a Venezuelan cartel member that was going to be included in Trump’s deportation programs. Thomas Hopkins returns and will run slower than ever. Colt Cantrell will likely break four or five bats over the course of the season.

They are destined to be the worst team in the league. How you define worst is up to you, but they will fit that category in some way, shape or form.

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Season Predictions

MVP: *yawn* Will Smithey
Cy Young: *YAWN* Mike Witty
Silver Slugger: Brendan Dudas (so original)
Rookie of the Year: A grown man or a little kid
Defensive Player of the Year: A staple in this article (someone who tries way too hard)
Championship: Short Shorts over Moonshots

7 Tough Questions

1: Have you ever thought about wiffle ball while making love? Will Smithey

2: Will you blink twice if you are in the mafia? Ian Garavalia

3: Are you still in the league or are you fishing? Cody House

4: Is he a good athlete that’s underperforming or a mediocre athlete that’s doing his best out there? Josh Hart

5: Will you ever show up? Devon Hensley

6: Who are you? Mason Bruce

7: There’s a guy named Jathan in this league??? Jathan Wilsey

Most Likely To’s

Probably have a girlfriend now: Austin Alles

Finally have an elbow issue that ends it all (love ya man): Reid Warner

Show up to week one with a brand new car, but it’s a Hyundai. Don’t get me wrong, a pretty nice Hyundai, but you aren’t filled with jealousy about it or anything like that. Gonna receive a lot of “nice car man” comments initially, but then as the days and weeks go by, still gotta deal with the fact that you’re driving a Hyundai and the fun and excitement life could have provided you has probably passed by entirely, partially because a decision was made to buy a Hyundai: Alex Gurtheff

Use a slur, but it’s funny and lightens the mood: Mike Witty

Use a slur, but it makes people quiet and uneasy: Holden Palmer

Get really mad about something, but holds his tongue because he’s a nice guy: Mitch Buis

Sneakily be most competitive person in the league: Cade Luker

Have a little McDonald’s something something on him: Coby Taylor

Meltdown: Colt Cantrell

Wear some silly tights: James Haworth

Say 4 words you understand for every 10 he speaks: Keith Dudas

Have parents that tried “real hard” to come up with a unique name: Connor Smith

Look like a guy who served in Vietnam and returned home broken: Dustin Laugel

Forget what team they’re actually on by Week 3: Ethan New

Show up late and insist it was traffic, despite living 8 minutes away: Brendan Dudas

Casually bring a radar gun to a slow pitch game: Will Smithey

Start a bench-clearing argument, then say “it’s not that deep” later: Honestly, any member of the Dudas/Palmer family + Cade Luker (basically the entire Stampede roster)

Have multiple teammates ask if they’re sober right now: Dalsen Murdock

Post a video of himself hitting in the cage that nobody asked for: Cody Fowler

Talk about being "washed" like he was ever a problem in the first place: Also Cody Fowler

Request his games be moved for a bachelor party he isn't in: Josh Hart

Have a wife more famous than he is in CCW circles: Keegan Caughey

Be way too passionate about lawn care: Brendan Dudas

Randomly reappear in Week 6 like nothing happened: Mike Speek

Secretly run a burner Twitter to argue about league power rankings: Thomas Hopkins

Beg to be mic’d up and immediately say something cancelable: Coby Taylor

Own a massage gun and think that makes him a “recovery guy”: Rudy Lyon

Use the phrase “vibes were off” as a legitimate explanation for going 0-for-8: Dalton Lewis