Circle City Wiffle Playoff Preview

By The Face of the League

​Circa March 2021. A young and mischievous boy decides to ride a scooter after a long, fun-filled day of drinking. Naturally, all he wants to do is ride in the middle of the street and showcase all the sick tricks he can do for his friend (literally all he can do is kind of hop). It was in this moment that his life would change for the foreseeable future. The trick (hop) was not-so-gracefully landed (it looked so sick), but his celebration led to him skidding across the pavement further than Vin Diesel’s tires in a Fast & Furious movie. Flash forward two months, and the boy was feeling the repercussions of his late-night joyride.
Two shoulder surgeries, some suicidal ideation, getting dumped, and an altercation during a Wiffle ball game he wasn’t even playing in forced him to evaluate his future. “Maybe I SHOULD just shut it,” he pondered long and hard as he gazed into his own empty reflection.


And shut it he did.


He vowed to become a better person, to not unnecessarily talk shit to Wiffle ball players he’d never met, to never ride a scooter again. And so, he did. And you know what he got in return? A fucking .179 batting average and benched in the playoffs two years in a row.


Good guys never win, and villains live forever – I’m back, motherfuckers.


Now, let’s roast some losers.


Wild Card Wednesday begins tomorrow, and it’s sure to come with drama. Absent from the play-in games will be the one and two seeds, the Yakkers and Moonshots, (dis)respectively. The Yakkers and Moonshots auto-qualifying for Double-Elim Sunday is a testament demonstrating that even YOU can be a Wiffle ball star if you have a bullshit job (Rudy Lyon) or build a K zone in your garage and isolate the rest of your friends and family (Will Smithey).


Lyon, a staple of CCW since 2017, Yakkers Head Coach, and the Associate Commissioner (he does all the bitch work Brendan Dudas doesn’t feel like doing), put together a team fit for a nursing home league, proving that sometimes age and experience can help you win. The cowardly Lyon has looked more like a wizard at the plate and on the mound this year, seemingly unaffected by the pitching dominance that has overtaken the league. Accompanying Lyon is fellow geezer Thomas Hopkins, who has proven that you don’t need Cialis to have top-tier power after 40. Aidan Palmer has been the Yaks ace this year despite carrying the emotional burden of knowing his girlfriend would rather live in the woods for months on end than deal with him daily. Rounding out the Yakkers are CCW newcomer and resident TikTokker Connor Smith, who already has more potential than half the league despite his mom having to drive him to games, and longtime CCW veteran Sawyer Mitchell, who returned to the league this year following a several year hiatus as he trained for the Slow Pitch Softball Olympics.


The Moonshots are led by Smithey, who is a multi-time NWLA Player of the Year, which just means he is really lucky he already has a wife that loves him. Smithey has been dominant as expected on both sides of the ball, leading the league in HRs and RBIs and finishing second with a 0.46 ERA. Aiming to help Smithey win another championship is forever Moonshot Tyler Gregory. Gregory has maintained above-average production despite the addition of a second child and 15 more pounds. A slew of role players have joined the Shots in hopes of reaching the stars, including Cody House, Mitch Unversaw, and Jay Wilsey. Each have managed to find ways to be useful throughout the season so far despite bringing the league’s average IQ below 90. Connor Young completes the Moonshots roster, and one would have to assume he is the favourite to win Rookie of the Year and say, “Who's the Face of the League?” when reading this article.


Enough about the front runners - let’s get to the Wednesday Previews.


8 Balls @ Short Shorts
Run Line: Shorts -1.5
Total: 2.5
8 Balls Head Coach Reid Werner entered the season full of optimism and bliss, taking over the mantle from silver fox and future Hall of Famer Mike Speek Sr. Those quickly turned to hopelessness and anguish, as he has been unable to regain his Kylo Rain form from years past. Though Werner has performed below expectations on the bump, he has still salvaged a respectable season thanks to his bat. Austin Alles, nicknamed The Rabbit due to his bullshit diet, continued to be a force at the plate this year as an 8 Ball, while also emerging as a solid number two arm. Alex Gurtcheff served as the other offensive addition for the 8 Balls this year and he did not disappoint, batting over .300 while singlehandedly keeping the CCW content team afloat as the rest of the crew proves useless. With those three players, one likely wonders how the 8 Balls ended up in last place. Well, here at CCW, you must start four players, and when your fourth player is Josh Hart, you’re just simply fucked.


Commissioner Brendan Dudas, whose ego is the size of his child’s head (it’s alien-sized HUGE), served as the face of a nearly brand-new Short Shorts team this year. Dudas remained one of the best hitters in the league as he has for the last decade, finishing with a league-best .410 average and tied for second in bombs. Former collegiate pitcher Jerry Sprinkle rejoined Dudas on the Shorts and picked up right where he left off as their ace, posting a 0.55 ERA and speaking approximately 8 words per game. The Short Shorts prized acquisition this summer was Dustin Dowden, who came as a package deal with his brother Thanasis (Dylan Dowden). Though nothing special at the plate, the twins have bought into the Dudas system (get on base
for me), and it’s helped propel the Shorts to the three seed in the playoffs. The last true contributor on the Short Shorts is Connor Morris, the former 8 Ball extraordinaire who joined Dudas this summer after being reportedly unhappy with the decision to name Werner the 8 Balls coach. “This is Greenwood all over again,” alleged Morris. Dudas’ favourite player, reigning Rookie of the Year Alec Berninger, and newcomer Dustin Laugel, who has a beard straight out of a semi-truck, provide the roster with some additional depth.


Stampede @ Hounds
Run Line: Pick ‘Em
Total: 0.5


CCW’s newest franchise defies all common sense, as they are equally loved and hated by the rest of the league. Coached by notorious bat thrower Cade Luker, the Stampede embody his energy week in and week out through shit talk, drinking Bird Dog, and high-end Wiffle ball. Coaching has not been all sunshine and roses for Luker, however, as his batting numbers took a dip this year. Accompanying Luker during the Stampede’s inaugural season is best friend and cougar hunter Dalsen Murdock. Though known for being an alcoholic and his infamous dropped fly ball at the Hometown Cup, Murdock still plays better than half the league and has only improved during his third season with CCW. Where the Stampede truly excel in on the rubber, as they are led by two lanky CCW vets. A nonsteroidal Holden Palmer has been the go-
to arm this year, as he has been nearly unhittable when he is on and has a cigarette in his mouth. Lefty Mitch Buis has served as the Stampede’s number two arm, though his mustache is number one in our hearts. Palmer and Buis pick up what the Stampede bats have lacked, keeping them in games they have no business winning. Tyler Punt, who has somehow gotten through an entire season without getting hurt, rounds out the Stampede.


The Hounds, the defending Dirtyard Classic champions, begin their quest for a repeat in a grudge match showdown on Wednesday. CCW’s reigning MVP, Myc Witty, is the only thing giving them hope for another championship, as he leads the league with a 0.42 ERA and 114 Ks. While Witty has carried the rest of the squad on his massive shoulders (he lifts), the rest of the roster has been a complete and utter disappointment. It starts at the top with Head Coach Dylan Jones, who had a baby (big fucking deal dude) and has now decided he does not know how to hit the ball. Not only did Jones’ baby ruin his swing, but he gave teammate Coby Taylor baby fever as well. Guess how that worked out – Taylor is batting .205 and may miss the playoffs due to the birth of his child. As if Jones had not already solidified having no shot at winning Coach of the Year again, the rest of his opening day roster, made up by Keegan Caughey, Tristan Dudas, and Colt Cantrell, has been as useful as Joe Biden during a debate. Jones did make one stellar midseason move by signing Nick Bundy, formerly of the now-dissolved Pork Pistols, though. Bundy moved back to Indianapolis from Dallas, citing “missing my Indiana summers with my Indiana boys” as his reason. He joined the Hounds and became arguably their best hitter immediately.


As the CCW Playoffs draw near, the stakes have never been higher. With top seeds Yakkers and Moonshots awaiting their opponents in the Double-Elimination rounds and Wild Card Wednesday providing plenty of drama in a win or go home format, the quest for Dirtyard glory has never been more daunting and difficult.

​
Playoff Odds:
Moonsots +150
Hounds +200
Shorts +300
Yakkers +350
Stampede +450
8 Balls +600