With the aces' innings out of the way, things are bound to get interesting in week 7. 

Yaks (5-6, 5th) vs 8 Balls (6-5, T-2nd) 
Probable Starters 
Dalton Lewis (YAK) 
Jay Wilsey (I8B) 

Jay looked good during his limited pitching this year, but Lewis has thrown more often and more recently, perhaps leveling the field. The Yaks and 8Balls have nearly identical offenses and this matchup is hard to predict. I feel like the 8 Balls have been very scrappy thus far this year, and, in this battle, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. 
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Prediction: 8 Balls 
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Hounds (4-7, 6th) vs Stampede (6-4, 1st) 
Probable Starters 
Jake Sprinkle (HWC) 
Aidan Palmer (STD) 

Finally, Sprinkle makes his fast pitch debut against none other than one of the league's best pitchers, Aidan Palmer. Aidan has only looked human once this year, and Sprinkle, despite his fantastic history, has a tall order to outduel him and keep the Pede’s offense at bay. I expect Sprinkle to be sharp, but not that sharp. 

Prediction: Stampede win 
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🚨 WITTY TO CRANE: “ME VS. YOU. DEADLIFT. NOW.”

The boulder saga may have ended, but the ego lifting has just begun.

After Brendan “Boulder Bro” Dudas completed his legendary excavation of an incalculably large backyard rock—with the help of a heavy-duty industrial crane, mind you--Myc Witty has reportedly issued a challenge to that very machine: a deadlift showdown for the ages.

Witty, whose muscles have muscles, is reportedly feeling the heat as Boulder Bro’s strength fame spreads. According to SOURCES inside the Shorts’ dugout, Witty was overheard muttering, “You may have the boulder, but I am the mountain.”

Early negotiations suggest the event may be titled “Witty vs. Crane: Iron Reckoning”, and will involve a bench press, deadlift, and a flex-off judged by an anonymous panel of shirtless dudes in jorts.

🧠 TYLER GREGORY NOW ANSWERING TO “G-TY” AFTER MIRACLE CATCH, POSSIBLE HEAD BONK
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We all remember the moment: 2 outs, bottom of the 5th, and Tyler Gregory robs the Shorts of a walk-off homer with a tumbling, toppling, fence-eating highlight reel catch that immediately went viral.

But ever since that fence-induced chiropractic session, SOURCES say he’s been... different.

He now reportedly introduces himself as “Gregory Tyler”, asks teammates to call him “G-Ty,” and during one post-game interview simply said, “I don’t remember the play, but I feel legendary.”
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The CCW front office is now “seriously considering” expanded concussion protocols, including mandatory post-jack-off spelling tests and a 5-minute time-out to remember one’s own name.

🪨 DUDAS TO REBRAND FRANCHISE AS “SOUTHSIDE BIG ROCKS, PRESENTED BY BOULDER BRO™”

The commercialism of pro sports has finally infiltrated the sacred walls of CCW.

Brendan Dudas, manager of the Short Shorts, is reportedly attempting to sell out the franchise harder than a stadium tour sponsored by an energy drink.

Per trademark filings obtained by Jorf, Dudas is preparing to rename the Shorts to:
“The Southside Big Rocks, Presented by Boulder Bro™”

New uniforms are rumored to include denim sleeveless vests, trucker caps, and a team boulder mascot named “Gravel.” Sources say Dudas is also pitching themed walk-up music and trying to land a Red Bull sponsorship that involves base coaches riding dirt bikes.

One anonymous player said, “At this point, I’m not sure if we’re playing wiffle ball or starring in a Discovery Channel pilot.”

👶 YAKKERS SCOUTING SENSATION: SMITHEY’S NEWBORN

Yes, you read that correctly.

After ongoing injuries have created a need for creative roster management, the Yakkers are looking to a rookie... literally.

Team brass is reportedly signing Will Smithey’s newborn child to an active player deal, hoping that some of dad’s elite two-way talent made it through the gene pool.

While the newborn can’t yet walk, throw, or speak, insiders believe he has a “raw competitiveness” and “solid launch angle” when being burped. Plans are reportedly in place for him to lead off and start Game 1 of the Yakkers’ next series.

Said one scout: “Honestly, that baby already shows more plate discipline than half the league.”

🐢 “STINKY RICK” HEADED TO CCW? LAUGEL’S TURTLE-HELMETED PROTEGÉ IN TALKS

The YiSH invasion continues.

After Laugel, Scott, and Swingler made the leap from Southern Illinois to CCW stardom, a fourth import may be joining the league: the myth, the man, the moss-covered legend--“Stinky” Rick “The Turtle Man” Hargraves.

Rick is known for three things:

1. Wearing a turtle shell as a helmet.
2. Refusing to speak—he only communicates through grunts and interpretive dance.
3. Throwing an absurd moonball pitch called “The Big Stink,” which he lobs nearly to the stratosphere before it plops back into the zone with horrifying consistency.

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One CCW hitter said, “I swung at it, missed, and then it hit me on the head. I’m still not sure how.”
Hargraves has reportedly been spotted dragging a wheelbarrow full of boiled eggs and bat knobs into the dugout of an undisclosed team.

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​Stay Tuned...As we approach the back half of the season, you can bet there’s more drama, more jack-offs, and definitely more boulder-related press releases to come.
Until then, I’ve been Jorf Porsson. You’ve been informed. And my SOURCES never sleep.

Want more Jorf? Subscribe to “Wiffle Truthers Weekly,” follow @JorfInsideInfo, and never trust a man who can’t jack in a jack-off.

A New Collection of CCW Aces

Somehow, the pitching in this league just continues to get better. 

Think back a few years ago, when of the guys still in the league, Smithey and Reid Werner were in a class alone. Then, Myc Witty and Aidan Palmer forced themselves into the same tier. Last year, Dustin Dowden and Holden Palmer brought themselves up to the same competitive level - not because of any dropoff from the guys already in that tier, but due to a steady improvement from them. This year, three new names are poised, pending continued strong work, to join that same echelon. 

Mitch Buis has been a strong, borderline ace-level arm in the league for years now, but so far this year, he is looking like he’s taken another step forward. Through 3 starts, only two other pitchers have struck out more batters than he has. He allowed just one run each in two of his three starts. Most of the damage he’s allowed has come off the slow pitch - when he’s on the board, Mitch is as unhittable as any guy in the league.

The other half of the Hounds’ pitching two-headed monster is Austin Alles. Alles got his first action on the mound last season, showing serious potential, but failing to consistently hit the board enough for prolonged success. But, in what is bad news for the rest of the league, he’s hitting the board this season. Alles has a paltry 1.64 ERA across 11 innings - the 6th best among pitchers with at least 2 games under their belt. His performance is capped off by a dazzling 4 inning, complete game one-hitter with 10 Ks against the high-powered Stampede this last week. 

The most under-the-radar addition to the list is rookie Brayden Scott. Though a relative unknown to CCW, Scott has had success nationally with the YiSH group, and he hasn’t missed a beat so far in his rookie season. He’s supposed to be the Stampede’s 3rd arm (!!) and yet he’s tossed 15 stellar innings, allowing one single run across those 3 starts, scattering just 11 hits. Scott pounds the board as well as anyone in the league, and so your only hope is stringing together a few hits, as you’re unlikely to get a lob pitch against him. 

If you’re counting at home, that gives us 9 guys in the league able to shut down any offense on any given night. As a hitter, you’ve got over a 50% chance you’re seeing one of these guys in a game. Good luck. 

Aidan Palmer is Going to Challenge for a League MVP

Aidan had what was likely the best season in his already storied CCW career last season, and he looks to have taken yet another step further in 2025. The Stampede’s embarrassment of pitching riches have brought Aidan into just 2 games on the mound so far - but what we’ve seen from him so far has been outstanding. Through 2 games, Aidan has allowed just one hit, zero runs, and is striking batters at a rate higher than everyone but Reid Werner. He’s making it clear that his pitching ascendence last season was no fluke, and is still rising.

Perhaps more impactfully, though, Palmer is putting together a much improved offensive campaign. He’s hovering right around the top 10 of total offensive value thus far, powered by 4 home runs, tied with several others at 3rd in the league. He works deep counts, pressuring pitchers to deliver 3 high-quality strikes, as his swing against the lob ball or get-me-over meatballs is as dangerous as any.

It has historically taken two-way success to claim a league MVP award, and Aidan is performing at a high level in both phases of the game right now. If he, and the Stampede by extension, continue their pace, he may have the best argument for the award. 
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Myc Witty is Looking like an Elite Offensive Player

Though we just spent the last paragraph giving another MVP front-runner his flowers, that whole conversation may be a moot point if Myc Witty continues at the pace he is at. He’s, as you know, been a truly dominant pitcher for the last two seasons, and the only thing keeping him from claiming league MVP in back-to-back years as well was his lack of offensive production, compared to Will Smithey’s.

Well, as of this writing, Witty is putting up elite offensive numbers, behind only Smithey and Thomas Hopkins in overall hitting value. And, he’s doing it in ways that feel natural and sustainable to him. His .500 batting average is insane, and yet unsurprising. With his speed, anything hit on the ground or on a line is likely to be a base hit. He’s striking out fewer than most of the top hitters in the league, which of course means he’s putting it in play plenty. And, he’s producing just enough power - 2 home runs so far - to keep defenses honest and provide some instant offense.

The Dowden Transaction Chain Trickle Down Impact

One of the more interesting roster shake-ups in recent memory took place just before fast pitch season, with Dustin Dowden announcing his return to the league. Teams making a waiver claim are required to drop a player with value one tier below the one they are signing - which meant that they couldn’t just drop a rookie or role player. So, when the Yakkers grabbed Dowden, they chose to drop Thomas Hopkins, whom the Moonshots picked up. The Moonshots dropped Connor Young to accommodate that, who was picked up by the Shorts. Their dropped rookie, Byron Young, went unclaimed, and made his way back to the Shorts.

What is particularly interesting about this series of moves is that without exception, all of these guys involved are putting up monster years. It would be easy to say “wow, what a blunder by the Yakkers, look how good Thomas has been” - but that would be ignoring the dominance that Dowden has exhibited so far. As such, each one of these teams may make the same move again, if they had to do it all over again.

Dustin has been among the most effective pitchers in the league thus far, sporting a microscopic 0.49 ERA, and one of those two runs allowed came on two consecutive duck farts by the Shorts to win the game. He’s also hitting, hovering around the top 10 in offensive producers, buoyed by a 3 home run weekend against the 8 Balls.

Hopkins is putting together the best season of his already long and successful career. He’s already nearly matched his offensive production last season in ⅓ of the games. He’s hitting .500, he’s clubbed 7 home runs, and has an OPS at a whopping 1.955 - all of which are tops in the league.

And let’s not forget Connor Young, who has been a crucial contributor for the Shorts offensively, as well. He’s missed a couple of games, but he narrowly missed out on Hitter of the Week in week 2. His 2 home runs and pull-side power make him a danger any at-bat, and he sits right around the top 5 hitters in the league thus far. 

The Yakkers Tinkering May Be Paying Off

The Yakkers have had a disappointing start to the 2025 fast pitch season, but they’ve been dealt an impossible hand. When they signed Dowden at the expense of losing Hopkins, they went all in on a pitching trio of Dowden, Alec Buchman, and Rudy Lyon. Since, Buchman has unfortunately suffered what looks to be a season-ending injury, and the expected important complementary bat in Sawyer Mitchell has been nowhere to be found.

To manager Rudy Lyon’s credit, though, he hasn’t thrown in the towel, and has instead been scrounging the waiver wire to fill the holes. In Buchman’s absence, the Yakkers took a swing on Justin Swingler, a former YiSH ace. His one outing was nothing to write home about, but he has the pedigree to potentially be a strong number 2 option. Lyon and DLewwy will have to carry more innings than expected, but that pitching depth is strong. Most recently, they added veteran James Haworth, who immediately made his presence felt with a big first weekend. He brings a dynamic bat, speed, and defense to a team lacking in those areas.

The biggest question on these acquisitions comes down to playoff eligibility. With nearly half of the season gone, these new additions and Mitchell, who hasn’t been at a fast pitch game yet, will have to be at the Dirtyard just about every week from here on out to gain eligibility. If they aren’t able to, they may help the Yakkers’ footing in the standings, but would leave them shorthanded still when the playoffs come around. In either case, the team looked as good this past week as they have at any point this season, and may no longer be the clear bottom-dwellers. 

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Which of these trends will stick in the league’s second half? Will we see a first-time MVP, or will a stalwart claim the title? Stay tuned to find out! 
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First, let's open in a word of prayer to your deity of preference that we get clear skies and no rain on Wednesday. Amen. 

Week 3 was cut short by the aforementioned conditions, with each team playing just one game apiece. We expect a full slate of games this week, though, as we hit the one-third way mark of the regular season. Here's what to expect this week. 

Stampede vs Hounds
Probable Starters
Aidan Palmer (STD)
Brayden Scott (STD)
Mitch Buis (HWC)
Austin Alles (HWC)

I predict 2 amazing pitching duels in this series. Scott and Alles, two of the largest humans in the league, and Palmer and Buis, tall lanky and nasty. Buis and Alles are stingy to get runs off, but the Stampede's offense is home run happy. Scoring off Aidan looks impossible so far and Brayden’s only surrendered 1 run over 10 innings himself. If either of these games have more than 3 combined runs, I’ll be surprised, and I think those runs happen from dingers not from a string of hits.
Prediction: Stampede win both games


8 Balls Vs Yaks
Probable Starters
Reid Werner (I8B)
Alec Berninger/John Mitchell (I8B)
Dustin Dowden (YAK)
“Arm by committee” (YAK)

The Yaks may look like they’re in a bit of a tail spin but I’m sure Dowden has other plans. Beating Reid is unlikely, and I would guess the Yaks may choose to throw the committee at him. If not, I’d expect a jack-off that 8 Balls look built for. Expect Rudy to put his NHL career aspirations aside and throw some innings for the first time this season. Berny’s stuff has looked good so far this year but has the time off helped or hurt him? I have been informed that John Mitchell, officially the tallest person in the League, may get some innings in if he shows. Whatever the case ends up being I think this series will end up being close, but the games may not necessarily end up being close.
Prediction: Split 1-1




Moonshots Vs Shorts
Probable Starters
Will Smithey (MID)
Ian Garvalia (MID)
Myc Witty (SS)
Dustin Laugel/Connor Young (SS)
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Good news is Witty is back, the Bad news is Dudas is gone. The Shorts can’t afford to lose anymore offense, and this week is looking tough without their leader (despite the rumors of him being washed). This series is hard to predict, Smithey and Witty would be a jackoff most likely, which heavily favors the Moonshots. If those two pitch off from each other they will undoubtedly beat Ian or myself (Laugel).  Speaking of myself, I played in a tournament Sunday where I told myself I wasn’t pitching but emergencies on the mound led me to throw 6 additional innings in between CCW starts. As I write this, I don’t see any possible way my arm can throw much if at all tomorrow. I’m counting on Connor Young to bail me out in this one. Connor showed some promise in his rookie campaign and I hope he can deliver a stellar debut here at a time when the Shorts may need him most. Ian Garvalia has given some quality starts thus far, and winning against him will be by no means be a cake walk.
Prediction: Split 1-1