2025 Dirtyard Classic Predictions

8 Balls (10-9) vs Shorts (12-5)

Truly fitting that the teams that have played each other FOUR times in the last three weeks get to play each other at least two more times. Predicting this series is about as easy as predicting the weather, as every single game has been insanely close. Somehow, the Shorts managed to win every single game, twice via a walk-off (down 5 in the final inning of both those games), once down 3 in the final inning, and once by only 1 run, which was scored in the very first inning of the game. The Shorts are riding a hot streak, winning 7 games in a row and 9 of their last 10. However, they say beating a team three times is hard - the Shorts have managed to beat the 8 Balls four times already - so what do they say about six times? The table is set for absolute chaos at the Dirtyard Classic, and I’m (Laugel) here to overanalyze every bit of it.
​

Hitting
The two best offenses in the league couldn’t possibly be more different. The 8 Balls lead the League in slugging, HR, OPS, and striking out. A true all-or-nothing offense with Swamp Donkey Master Gurtch leading the league with 17 dingers, Cody House 4th with 10, and Werner with 7.
The Shorts get it done in an incredibly different way. Leading the league in Hits, Average, Walks, and Fewest Strikeouts. Outside of Dudas, the Shorts have absolutely no business swinging for the fences, even on a slow pitch. The Shorts put pressure on you all game, and the 8 Balls offense scores a lot of runs fast.
Advantage: 8-Balls (1-0)


Pitching
Reid Werner has been lights out all year to the tune of a 1.45 ERA and 84 strikeouts in only 33 innings, but after Reid, it's been some ups and downs for the 8 Balls. Alex Gurtcheff has been the #2 most of the year, tossing 18.1 innings and has had some brilliant innings, but has had some not-so-brilliant outings as well, giving him a 10.15 ERA thus far. Jay Wilsey has had limited chances (6ip) but has had good success in those limited innings in the #3/#4 duty along with Alec Berninger.

The Shorts have some guy named Myc Witty. Is he good, you ask? Well, he gave up 1 run all year (slow-pitch dinger to Will Smithey). He struck out 85 batters in 32 innings pitched, and led the League in ERA and muscles, so yeah, he’s decent. The last time the 8 Balls saw Witty, he struck out all 15 batters in a perfect game, so there is nowhere to go but up. I (Laugel) feel like I’ve given the Shorts a solid 23.2 innings in the #2 hole so far this year (Despite what Dudas says) and really have only had issues against 1 team. Oh yeah, that team is the 8 Balls. The 8 Balls are solely responsible for DOUBLING my ERA (5.83). I have excuses, but none worth mentioning. Luckily, there’s this dude named Connor Young on my team, who has done a great job bailing me out when needed. Connor has pitched out of the #3 spot and been a good reliever, delivering a 5.84 ERA across 12.1 innings. All in all, I think Witty alone gives the Shorts the pitching advantage regardless of Laugel’s recent struggles against the 8 balls.
Advantage: Shorts (1-1)


Fielding
The 8-Balls are by no means a bad fielding team, but the Shorts' fielding is full of speed, hands, and at least one mouth. Dudas, Witty, Unversaw, and Young are all great fielders that any team would take in a heartbeat. Then there’s me, who spends more time on the ground than anyone else in the league, usually bailing out a horrible feed from Dudas, off a horribly thrown pitch by me. In Dudas’s defense, he makes the plays absolutely nobody else has a shot at, and the one time we didn’t have the cameras rolling, he made an amazing over-the-fence catch to rob a home run.
Advantage: Shorts (2-1)


Experience
This one is tough. If you’re looking at just this year, the Shorts have 4 CCW NWLA players to the 8 Balls' 2. If you’re looking for league veterans, the 8 Balls team is full of them, while half the Shorts' team seems to be made up of rookies or sophomores. Reid’s walk-off home run at NWLA was incredible, as was Dudas's hitting the go-ahead bomb in what seemed like every other game. Witty may have 107 in the tank; we just haven’t officially recorded it. Gurtch hit the first-ever swamp donkey shell at NWLA (IYKYK). This is about as even as they come, but Witty does have a few championships to his name.
Advantage: Shorts (3-1)


Facial Hair
I know what everyone’s thinking - of course, a category that outright favors Laugel and his top 3 mustache (Shoutout to Bundy and Buis). Look at the rest of the Shorts, though - absolutely embarrassing. Dudas, Witty, and Connor Young grow nothing of any significance. Unversaw has potential and don’t get me started on 12-year-old Byron Young - come on man, I started shaving when I was 12.  Meanwhile, the 8 Balls are supporting the beard case, or at least trying to. Gurtch, Werner, Jay, Berny - all guys throwing around some form of masculinity. Hate to say it, but there’s an obvious winner here…
Advantage: 8-Balls (2-3)


Sobriety
It’s probably a good thing, but the Shorts are a lonely team for a Lush like Laugel to be on. Outside of maybe 1 or 2 with Witty this year, I must do all the drinking to keep our street cred up. I can’t 100% speak for the 8Balls, but I know Berny's going to put a few down, and House and Gurtch seem like guys who are down. Reid isn’t against drinking, but doesn’t seem to partake. Wait, was this category supposed to be a good or bad thing? I can’t remember, too many beers. Maybe next year, when Byron is of legal drinking age, he can supply some bonding over adult beverages. Congrats on Dudas' extreme commitment to staying OFF the wagon, that’s tough and I think you alone may cancel me out. In the end, I think the Shorts may be more sober overall…wait no, no, who am I kidding, I’m not a problem, but I may have a problem…
Advantage: 8-Balls (3-3)


Steroids
I’ve been informed that it is not in the future budget to begin testing for such things, but I think we have a 1990s MLB situation forming on our hands. I know what you're thinking - Witty is literally double the size this year. But no, look at his head - unsuspiciously the same exact size when he weighed 145 lbs. The elephant head in the room here is obviously the commissioner himself, Brendan Dudas. He claims it’s all this boulder digging and moving giving him a bigger head (figuratively for sure) and bigger arms, but I don’t think it's all natural - just look at the stats. First 8 games of the season, 4 home runs, respectable, sure, but everyone was talking about Gurtch’s Donkeys. Next thing you know, Dudas has 9 dingers in the last 7 games. Not to mention Dudas’s recent anger issues on the field, picking fights with refs, bookkeepers, and sideline reporters; a true sign of roid rage.

Gurtch may have been the first to do it, though. Come on, a guy who hit 7 dingers last year all a sudden nearly doubles it? This is a real Bonds jealous of McGwire dynamic. Barry, the only guy whose head is confirmed bigger than Dudas’s (for now), and McGwire, who was always just a bigger dude who could mash, but now he’s really mashing (Gurtch). Then we look at Cody House, talk about a guy who has gotten swole, and has really swollen my ERA; 10 dingers this year to last year's 4? Please, Sosa, don’t make it so obvious. Then there’s Alec Berninger, who claims to have been hitting the gym and not the Androstenedione. John Mitchell genuinely is just huge, and Reid seems like the guy who would do it clean, but his arm seems to be a lot better suddenly for a guy who was complaining about it a lot this year. The only clean guy on that team may be Jay, but who’s to say he’s not the distributor? Sure, Connor Young has a six-pack, but he’s 20 years old and swims, not dives (contact Connor for the difference). Are the Shorts clean? Hell no, but whew the 8-Balls are diiiiirrrrrttttyyyyy. The fact that the commissioner refuses to do testing isn’t a good look for CCW at all, but in the meantime, we will continue to reap the rewards as our popularity continues to skyrocket in the new CCW steroid era.
Advantage: 8-Balls (4-3)


Diversity
Are we really going down this road? Yes, but probably not in the way you’d expect. Look at the 8 Balls - House, Werner, Mitchell, Gurtch - this team's full of dudes who get sunburnt getting the mail. Maybe it’s the black jerseys, but also maybe it’s those white faces. In any case, I think the Shorts are the clear winners of the tanning contest. Witty and Unversaw are looking good, Dudas has spent an entire summer making love to a rock in the sun, and you know Connor Young's working on that swim tan. My shoulders currently resemble a lobster, but I assure you, they will be a nice scaly brown come the championship.
Advantage: Shorts (4-4)


In a Benches Clearing Incident
Between Dudas’s roid rage, my ability to hit batters, and Reid’s face, there’s a good chance of a scuffle of sorts during this series. I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was; but I was never good enough to deal with a guy the size of John Mitchell. That dude's going to be a problem. Going to go for the legs and hope for the best. Dudas strikes me as the spider monkey type, and maybe he can assist after he beats Reid's ass for all the trash talking he was doing (but in reality, this was manifested by Dudas' mind only). Witty will stand to the side, carefully picking his target before delivering a 106-mph punch to the unlucky contestant’s face (poor Jay). Connor Young is a stout little dude, but House is a brick house, an absolute UNIT of a man. Sure, Connor has a 6-pack, but House has an 18-pack, and those shoulders are big, son! Hope Gurtch packed his lunch, because he’s in for a long day with Unversaw standing in his way. Berny and Keegan are going to go toe to toe for about 45 seconds until Keegan's lower back/hip/uvula gives out. That, of course, leaves Mike Speek Sr. and Byron Young. The oldest dude in the league fighting a 12-year-old. A lose-lose situation for either guy if you ask me, and both too nice and too mature to engage in such a brouhaha. This fight is a literal tie through the first round, but with Witty, Dudas, and Mitch still standing and me still drinking, all bets are off.
Advantage: Shorts (5-4)


​
There you have it, the Shorts have the advantage, but will it be enough for the first Championship since 2021? Or will the 8 Balls overcome the odds for their first title since 2019? One thing's for sure, the 7 good fingers I used to type all of this are exhausted, but not nearly as exhausted as I’ll be Sunday evening. First game of the 2025 Dirtyard Classic starts at 11 am!