8 Balls (10-9) vs Shorts (12-5)

Truly fitting that the teams that have played each other FOUR times in the last three weeks get to play each other at least two more times. Predicting this series is about as easy as predicting the weather, as every single game has been insanely close. Somehow, the Shorts managed to win every single game, twice via a walk-off (down 5 in the final inning of both those games), once down 3 in the final inning, and once by only 1 run, which was scored in the very first inning of the game. The Shorts are riding a hot streak, winning 7 games in a row and 9 of their last 10. However, they say beating a team three times is hard - the Shorts have managed to beat the 8 Balls four times already - so what do they say about six times? The table is set for absolute chaos at the Dirtyard Classic, and I’m (Laugel) here to overanalyze every bit of it.
​

Hitting
The two best offenses in the league couldn’t possibly be more different. The 8 Balls lead the League in slugging, HR, OPS, and striking out. A true all-or-nothing offense with Swamp Donkey Master Gurtch leading the league with 17 dingers, Cody House 4th with 10, and Werner with 7.
The Shorts get it done in an incredibly different way. Leading the league in Hits, Average, Walks, and Fewest Strikeouts. Outside of Dudas, the Shorts have absolutely no business swinging for the fences, even on a slow pitch. The Shorts put pressure on you all game, and the 8 Balls offense scores a lot of runs fast.
Advantage: 8-Balls (1-0)


Pitching
Reid Werner has been lights out all year to the tune of a 1.45 ERA and 84 strikeouts in only 33 innings, but after Reid, it's been some ups and downs for the 8 Balls. Alex Gurtcheff has been the #2 most of the year, tossing 18.1 innings and has had some brilliant innings, but has had some not-so-brilliant outings as well, giving him a 10.15 ERA thus far. Jay Wilsey has had limited chances (6ip) but has had good success in those limited innings in the #3/#4 duty along with Alec Berninger.

The Shorts have some guy named Myc Witty. Is he good, you ask? Well, he gave up 1 run all year (slow-pitch dinger to Will Smithey). He struck out 85 batters in 32 innings pitched, and led the League in ERA and muscles, so yeah, he’s decent. The last time the 8 Balls saw Witty, he struck out all 15 batters in a perfect game, so there is nowhere to go but up. I (Laugel) feel like I’ve given the Shorts a solid 23.2 innings in the #2 hole so far this year (Despite what Dudas says) and really have only had issues against 1 team. Oh yeah, that team is the 8 Balls. The 8 Balls are solely responsible for DOUBLING my ERA (5.83). I have excuses, but none worth mentioning. Luckily, there’s this dude named Connor Young on my team, who has done a great job bailing me out when needed. Connor has pitched out of the #3 spot and been a good reliever, delivering a 5.84 ERA across 12.1 innings. All in all, I think Witty alone gives the Shorts the pitching advantage regardless of Laugel’s recent struggles against the 8 balls.
Advantage: Shorts (1-1)


Fielding
The 8-Balls are by no means a bad fielding team, but the Shorts' fielding is full of speed, hands, and at least one mouth. Dudas, Witty, Unversaw, and Young are all great fielders that any team would take in a heartbeat. Then there’s me, who spends more time on the ground than anyone else in the league, usually bailing out a horrible feed from Dudas, off a horribly thrown pitch by me. In Dudas’s defense, he makes the plays absolutely nobody else has a shot at, and the one time we didn’t have the cameras rolling, he made an amazing over-the-fence catch to rob a home run.
Advantage: Shorts (2-1)


Experience
This one is tough. If you’re looking at just this year, the Shorts have 4 CCW NWLA players to the 8 Balls' 2. If you’re looking for league veterans, the 8 Balls team is full of them, while half the Shorts' team seems to be made up of rookies or sophomores. Reid’s walk-off home run at NWLA was incredible, as was Dudas's hitting the go-ahead bomb in what seemed like every other game. Witty may have 107 in the tank; we just haven’t officially recorded it. Gurtch hit the first-ever swamp donkey shell at NWLA (IYKYK). This is about as even as they come, but Witty does have a few championships to his name.
Advantage: Shorts (3-1)


Facial Hair
I know what everyone’s thinking - of course, a category that outright favors Laugel and his top 3 mustache (Shoutout to Bundy and Buis). Look at the rest of the Shorts, though - absolutely embarrassing. Dudas, Witty, and Connor Young grow nothing of any significance. Unversaw has potential and don’t get me started on 12-year-old Byron Young - come on man, I started shaving when I was 12.  Meanwhile, the 8 Balls are supporting the beard case, or at least trying to. Gurtch, Werner, Jay, Berny - all guys throwing around some form of masculinity. Hate to say it, but there’s an obvious winner here…
Advantage: 8-Balls (2-3)


Sobriety
It’s probably a good thing, but the Shorts are a lonely team for a Lush like Laugel to be on. Outside of maybe 1 or 2 with Witty this year, I must do all the drinking to keep our street cred up. I can’t 100% speak for the 8Balls, but I know Berny's going to put a few down, and House and Gurtch seem like guys who are down. Reid isn’t against drinking, but doesn’t seem to partake. Wait, was this category supposed to be a good or bad thing? I can’t remember, too many beers. Maybe next year, when Byron is of legal drinking age, he can supply some bonding over adult beverages. Congrats on Dudas' extreme commitment to staying OFF the wagon, that’s tough and I think you alone may cancel me out. In the end, I think the Shorts may be more sober overall…wait no, no, who am I kidding, I’m not a problem, but I may have a problem…
Advantage: 8-Balls (3-3)


Steroids
I’ve been informed that it is not in the future budget to begin testing for such things, but I think we have a 1990s MLB situation forming on our hands. I know what you're thinking - Witty is literally double the size this year. But no, look at his head - unsuspiciously the same exact size when he weighed 145 lbs. The elephant head in the room here is obviously the commissioner himself, Brendan Dudas. He claims it’s all this boulder digging and moving giving him a bigger head (figuratively for sure) and bigger arms, but I don’t think it's all natural - just look at the stats. First 8 games of the season, 4 home runs, respectable, sure, but everyone was talking about Gurtch’s Donkeys. Next thing you know, Dudas has 9 dingers in the last 7 games. Not to mention Dudas’s recent anger issues on the field, picking fights with refs, bookkeepers, and sideline reporters; a true sign of roid rage.

Gurtch may have been the first to do it, though. Come on, a guy who hit 7 dingers last year all a sudden nearly doubles it? This is a real Bonds jealous of McGwire dynamic. Barry, the only guy whose head is confirmed bigger than Dudas’s (for now), and McGwire, who was always just a bigger dude who could mash, but now he’s really mashing (Gurtch). Then we look at Cody House, talk about a guy who has gotten swole, and has really swollen my ERA; 10 dingers this year to last year's 4? Please, Sosa, don’t make it so obvious. Then there’s Alec Berninger, who claims to have been hitting the gym and not the Androstenedione. John Mitchell genuinely is just huge, and Reid seems like the guy who would do it clean, but his arm seems to be a lot better suddenly for a guy who was complaining about it a lot this year. The only clean guy on that team may be Jay, but who’s to say he’s not the distributor? Sure, Connor Young has a six-pack, but he’s 20 years old and swims, not dives (contact Connor for the difference). Are the Shorts clean? Hell no, but whew the 8-Balls are diiiiirrrrrttttyyyyy. The fact that the commissioner refuses to do testing isn’t a good look for CCW at all, but in the meantime, we will continue to reap the rewards as our popularity continues to skyrocket in the new CCW steroid era.
Advantage: 8-Balls (4-3)


Diversity
Are we really going down this road? Yes, but probably not in the way you’d expect. Look at the 8 Balls - House, Werner, Mitchell, Gurtch - this team's full of dudes who get sunburnt getting the mail. Maybe it’s the black jerseys, but also maybe it’s those white faces. In any case, I think the Shorts are the clear winners of the tanning contest. Witty and Unversaw are looking good, Dudas has spent an entire summer making love to a rock in the sun, and you know Connor Young's working on that swim tan. My shoulders currently resemble a lobster, but I assure you, they will be a nice scaly brown come the championship.
Advantage: Shorts (4-4)


In a Benches Clearing Incident
Between Dudas’s roid rage, my ability to hit batters, and Reid’s face, there’s a good chance of a scuffle of sorts during this series. I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was; but I was never good enough to deal with a guy the size of John Mitchell. That dude's going to be a problem. Going to go for the legs and hope for the best. Dudas strikes me as the spider monkey type, and maybe he can assist after he beats Reid's ass for all the trash talking he was doing (but in reality, this was manifested by Dudas' mind only). Witty will stand to the side, carefully picking his target before delivering a 106-mph punch to the unlucky contestant’s face (poor Jay). Connor Young is a stout little dude, but House is a brick house, an absolute UNIT of a man. Sure, Connor has a 6-pack, but House has an 18-pack, and those shoulders are big, son! Hope Gurtch packed his lunch, because he’s in for a long day with Unversaw standing in his way. Berny and Keegan are going to go toe to toe for about 45 seconds until Keegan's lower back/hip/uvula gives out. That, of course, leaves Mike Speek Sr. and Byron Young. The oldest dude in the league fighting a 12-year-old. A lose-lose situation for either guy if you ask me, and both too nice and too mature to engage in such a brouhaha. This fight is a literal tie through the first round, but with Witty, Dudas, and Mitch still standing and me still drinking, all bets are off.
Advantage: Shorts (5-4)


​
There you have it, the Shorts have the advantage, but will it be enough for the first Championship since 2021? Or will the 8 Balls overcome the odds for their first title since 2019? One thing's for sure, the 7 good fingers I used to type all of this are exhausted, but not nearly as exhausted as I’ll be Sunday evening. First game of the 2025 Dirtyard Classic starts at 11 am!

6:30 - #5 Moonshots vs. #4 Hounds

Expected Starters:
Moonshots: Will Smithey (1.00 ERA, 55 Ks, 75 FIP)
Hounds: Austin Alles (2.40 ERA, 36 Ks, 48 FIP)

Preview: 
The Hounds and Moonshots have seen a lot of each other recently - playing all 3 games against one another in the last 2 weeks of play - and they’ll see even more of each other in the Wild Card round. The teams boast similar, potent offenses - with elite threats leading them (Smithey & Jones) and nearly equally as dangerous right-hand men behind them (Hopkins and Alles). All 4 of those guys finished the regular season in the top 6 of offensive value, and with the exception of Hopkins, who got the bulk of his production in the early stages of the season, they are all getting hot at the right time. Coby Taylor - who just turned in a 4 home run game last week - and Josh Hart - who is a dangerous power hitter on slow pitch - are expected to round out the Hounds’ playoff lineup. T-Greg will also hit for the Moonshots, and then they’ll have an interesting decision to make regarding the 4th hole, as both Connor Smith and Nolan Karwoski are valid options. 

These two pitchers faced off just last week, with Smithey narrowly out-deuling Alles in that contest. Smithey has, once again, put together a pitching season better than anyone not named Myc Witty, and is a guy that seemingly plays even better when the stakes get higher. That said, he is not unhittable, having been tagged for at least one run twice and two runs once in his 5 outings this season. Alles has taken another step forward on the bump this year, holding opponents to 3 runs or fewer in each of his outings. If he can be on the board consistently and keep the Moonshots away from slow pitch opportunities, Alles has the ability to match Smithey on the mound.

X-Factors:
Moonshots: Tyler Gregory
T-Greg, in what is reportedly his final year in a long and storied CCW career, has unfortunately had a somewhat forgettable season at the plate. He’s tied for 16th in offensive value - nothing to sneeze at, but pedestrian for a guy we’re used to seeing in the top 10 - with a .268 batting average and 4 homers. But all of that potential disappointment could be erased with a strong postseason showing. He’s no stranger to the big moment as a staple on championship Moonshot teams, and when Smithey is inevitably intentionally walked in an important moment, T-Greg seems to go Super Saiyan in those moments. I’m putting money on a big game from Gregory.

Hounds: Austin Alles
Alles is one of two guys in the top 15 offensive players this season to have only played 11 games, which speaks to the quality of his performance, even if the volume is limited. Further, he may be swinging the hottest bat in the league, coming off a Hitter of the Week award in which he went 8/11 with 5 home runs across their two games. He’s also the current holder of the “Most Likely to Actually Run Through the Dirtyard Outfield Wall to Make a Play” distinction. Combine these, and the potential for a winning game on the mound, and we’re on “The Austin Alles Game” watch. 

The Verdict:
This game has all the makings of a hard fought, low scoring affair. I expect the Moonshots’ bats to get theirs against Alles and put up a few runs, like they did last time. It’s hard to bet against Smithey on the mound, but he’ll be facing this same red-hot offense for the second time this week, making his assignment more challenging (but you could say the same thing for Alles). The big question is who wins out in a strength-vs-strength matchup between Smithey’s arm and the Hounds’ bats? If Alles, DJ, and Coby can do enough damage, this could be anyone’s game. 



8:00 - #6 Yakkers vs. #3 8 Balls

Expected Starters:
Yakkers: Dustin Dowden (0.81 ERA, 50 Ks, 68 FIP)
8 Balls: Reid Werner (1.67 ERA, 46 Ks, 58 FIP)

Preview: 
Despite the divergent roads these teams took to get here, the 8 Balls and Yakkers are actually pretty similarly constructed. Both offenses are power-dependent, slow-pitch mashers who have the downside of getting shut down if the balls aren’t leaving the yard. Both pitching staffs are led by a shut-down ace, but struggle to compete with the depth behind them. Those aces will surely get the ball tonight, with Werner throwing for the 8 Balls after a long rest between starts, and Dowden going for the Yaks. Dowden has too quietly put up an elite season on the mound - his ERA and total pitching value are third in the league, each. He’s on the board as much as anyone, and mixes in and locates a handful of different pitches, making him an extremely frustrating assignment for batters. Reid only threw 4 games this season - one fewer than any other ace - but still finished in the top 5 in Ks and just outside the top 5 in total value. 

The Yakkers' offense this season has been disappointing on the whole, but has shown an ability to deliver the big hit when it’s needed. Rudy Lyon leads the offense, with his 8 home runs falling one shy of the top 5 in the league. Behind him, Dalton Lewis has had a breakout campaign with the bat, collecting at least one hit in all but two of his 13 games. Dowden, who already has one home run against Reid this year, will slot in as well, and Justin Swingler, if playoff eligible, will round out the lineup. For the 8 Balls, Werner’s return to the lineup will be a much-needed wrinkle to the otherwise homer-or-bust nature of the team. Alex Gurtcheff is having a career year at the plate, leading the league in home runs and finishing 3rd in total offensive value. Cody House is hot entering the playoffs, going 7-10 with 3 home runs last week. And Jay Wilsey has been dependable all year, with a well-rounded approach and willingness to create some chaos on the basepaths. 

X-Factors:
Yakkers: Dalton Lewis
It feels like every week DLewy has come up big in a clutch spot, and in a game that looks likely to be a low-scoring one, the Yaks may need him to do so again to pull out a win. Lewis has become a weapon in slow-pitch opportunities and is holding his own more and more in fast-pitch. Whether in regulation or a potential jack-off tie breaker, don’t be surprised if the game hinges on a DLewy at-bat. 

8 Balls: Reid Werner
It sounds weird to call the 8 Balls’ manager and ace the wild card, but after missing the last two weeks of games, Werner’s re-introduction to the team could change things dramatically for them. Will his month off from throwing in league play result in a fresh, rested arm? Or will it create some rust that needs to be shaken off? The bulk of the damage against Reid has always come off slow-pitch, so his ability to lock in on the zone, especially on a team that feasts on lob balls, is crucial to their success. His insertion into the top of a lineup desperately in need of speed and bat-to-ball skill may be a game-changer for the offense, as well.  

The Verdict:
​I don’t think it’s too bold a prediction to say whichever team does more damage on slow-pitch will win this game. Both pitchers are extremely hard to string hits together against, and it’ll likely be one or two big hits that decide this. With the jack-off out of play in the playoffs, this one will continue until a team jumps ahead. Last year, Werner threw a 12-inning shutout in the Wild Card round, and viewers may need to buckle up for another marathon game. 

​

With just two games left on the docket for each team, and the standings TIGHT (2 games separate first and last place, and there's a 4-way tie for 3rd), it feels like high school pre-calculus trying to figure out how the standings can shake out. But, we'd hate for you to expend your precious mental energy on something like that, so we're here to help. Here are the scenarios for each team going into the final set of games, whether they sweep, split, or are swept. 

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SHORT SHORTS (8–5)
Plays: 8 Balls (7–6)

• If Shorts sweep (10–5) → Clinch the #1 seed outright. Nobody can catch them.
  
  
• If Shorts & 8 Balls split (9–6) → STILL clinch #1 seed, because 8 Balls can’t reach 9-10 wins and no other team can either.
  
  
• If Shorts get swept (8–7) → Only path to losing #1.
  
  
  • Could finish #2 or #3, depending on if the Moonshots sweep their series. The Moonshots would be the only possible 8-7 that holds the tiebreaker over the Shorts.
    
    

✅ BOTTOM LINE: The Shorts control their own destiny - all they need to do to lock up the #1 seed is win one game against the 8 Balls.



8 BALLS (7–6)
Plays: Short Shorts (8–5)

• If they sweep Shorts (9–6) → Take over #1 seed (win H2H series 2–1).
  
  
• If they split (8–7) → Finish anywhere from #2–#3.
  
  
  • The 8 Balls finish as #2 with a split, unless the Stampede sweep their series, as the Stampede hold the tiebreaker over them.
    
    
    
• If they get swept (7–8) → Could drop as low as #4 depending on tiebreakers.

 

• The Yakkers, Hounds, and/or Moonshots would have to sweep their series’ to leapfrog the 8 Balls in the final accounting, since the 8 Balls hold those tiebreakers. 
• The Stampede would pass the 8 Balls if they split in this scenario.
  
  
  

✅ BOTTOM LINE: The 8 Balls are the only team who can steal #1 — but they must sweep. A split guarantees them a top 3 spot.



HOUNDS (6–7)
Plays: Moonshots (6–7)

• If they sweep Moonshots (8–7) → Jump to at least #3 (could be #2 if the 8 Balls are swept).
  
  
• If they split (7–8) → Probably land in the #4–#6 range.
  
  
  • A split would give them tiebreaker advantage over the Stampede and the Moonshots.
    
    
• If they get swept (6–9) → Likely #6 unless the Stampede also sweep the Yakkers. 

✅ BOTTOM LINE: The Hounds are unlikely to finish in the top 2 and get a bye, but can secure a more desirable seed with a strong final week.



MOONSHOTS (6–7)
Plays: Hounds (6–7)

• If they sweep Hounds (8–7) → Could rise as high as #2.

 

• If the 8 Balls are swept, and the Stampede don’t also sweep, they get the #2 seed.
• If the Moonshots sweep, the only way they end up with the #4 seed is in the event of a Stampede sweep, as well. 

 

• If they split (7–8) → Almost certainly locked in at #4–#6.

 

• In this scenario, they lose a tie breaker with the Hounds and Stampede (and 8 Balls if they’re swept), so there’s no chance to rise higher than #4.
  
  

• If they get swept (6–9) → The only way they avoid the #6 seed is if the Stampede sweep the Yakkers. 

✅ BOTTOM LINE: It’ll take a series sweep for the Moonshots to reach a comfortable position, otherwise their losing records against other nearby teams may push them down.



STAMPEDE (6–7)
Plays: Yakkers (6–7)

• If they sweep Yakkers (8–7) → Stampede jumps to #2 or #3 

 

• Unless the 8 Balls sweep the Shorts, the Pede vault them in this scenario due to the tiebreaker

 

• Hounds are the only team that beat them in a tiebreaker in this scenario

 

• If they split (7–8) → Hovering in the #4–#5 mix.

 

• In the event of a tie, they’d hold the tiebreaker over the 8 Balls and Moonshots.
  
  

• If they get swept (6–9) → Stuck with the #6 seed, unless the Hounds sweep the Moonshots.
  
  
  

✅ BOTTOM LINE: Their 0-1 record against the Yakkers coming into the final week hamstrings them a little, as a split equals a series loss. Anything other than a sweep will put the Pede in a tricky spot.



YAKKERS (6–7)
Plays: Stampede (6–7)

• If they sweep Stampede (8–7) → Yakkers could climb all the way to #2–#3 with key tiebreakers in hand.

 

• If the 8 Balls are swept, and the Moonshots don’t sweep, they nab the #2 seed.

 

• But, if the 8 Balls win a game, they climb no higher than #3, and if the Moonshots sweep their series too, they’d still be stuck with #4.
  
  

• If they split (7–8) → They’re fighting for #3–#5.

 

• They would win tiebreakers against the Hounds and Stampede, but lose against the rest of the field.
  
  

• If they get swept (6–9) → Would be praying for a Moonshots sweep to avoid the #6 spot
  
  
  

✅ BOTTOM LINE: The Yaks can still go from “long shot” to a bye — but only if they sweep, and with a little help from the Shorts and Hounds. 


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🔑 SCENARIO TAKEAWAYS

• #1 Seed Race:
  
  
  • Short Shorts clinch #1 with either a win OR an 8 Balls split.
    
    
  • 8 Balls can only steal #1 by sweeping Shorts.
    
    
• Series that Decide Playoff Fate:
  
  
  • Hounds vs Moonshots – The Hounds are in the driver’s seat after winning their first matchup, but Smithey almost certainly looms in one of their remaining games. 
  • Yakkers vs Stampede – The Yakkers hold this tiebreaker in the event of a split, but the Pede should have the Palmer brothers ready to go in an attempt to salvage their season. 

 

• Chaos Watch:
  
  
  • In the event of a multi-team tie, the teams’ combined record against the other tied teams comes into play.
  • With 4 teams tied going into the final week, the odds of this are looking pretty good - all it takes is the 8 Balls dropping one and at least one other series sweeping, or both the Hounds/Shots and Yakkers/Pede splitting or sweeping. 
  • The amount of clusterf*ckery that would produce is not worth running the calculations on at this time - so if that scenario plays out, we’ll all find out the implications together. 

With the aces' innings out of the way, things are bound to get interesting in week 7. 

Yaks (5-6, 5th) vs 8 Balls (6-5, T-2nd) 
Probable Starters 
Dalton Lewis (YAK) 
Jay Wilsey (I8B) 

Jay looked good during his limited pitching this year, but Lewis has thrown more often and more recently, perhaps leveling the field. The Yaks and 8Balls have nearly identical offenses and this matchup is hard to predict. I feel like the 8 Balls have been very scrappy thus far this year, and, in this battle, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. 
​
Prediction: 8 Balls 
​

Hounds (4-7, 6th) vs Stampede (6-4, 1st) 
Probable Starters 
Jake Sprinkle (HWC) 
Aidan Palmer (STD) 

Finally, Sprinkle makes his fast pitch debut against none other than one of the league's best pitchers, Aidan Palmer. Aidan has only looked human once this year, and Sprinkle, despite his fantastic history, has a tall order to outduel him and keep the Pede’s offense at bay. I expect Sprinkle to be sharp, but not that sharp. 

Prediction: Stampede win 
​

🚨 WITTY TO CRANE: “ME VS. YOU. DEADLIFT. NOW.”

The boulder saga may have ended, but the ego lifting has just begun.

After Brendan “Boulder Bro” Dudas completed his legendary excavation of an incalculably large backyard rock—with the help of a heavy-duty industrial crane, mind you--Myc Witty has reportedly issued a challenge to that very machine: a deadlift showdown for the ages.

Witty, whose muscles have muscles, is reportedly feeling the heat as Boulder Bro’s strength fame spreads. According to SOURCES inside the Shorts’ dugout, Witty was overheard muttering, “You may have the boulder, but I am the mountain.”

Early negotiations suggest the event may be titled “Witty vs. Crane: Iron Reckoning”, and will involve a bench press, deadlift, and a flex-off judged by an anonymous panel of shirtless dudes in jorts.

🧠 TYLER GREGORY NOW ANSWERING TO “G-TY” AFTER MIRACLE CATCH, POSSIBLE HEAD BONK
​
We all remember the moment: 2 outs, bottom of the 5th, and Tyler Gregory robs the Shorts of a walk-off homer with a tumbling, toppling, fence-eating highlight reel catch that immediately went viral.

But ever since that fence-induced chiropractic session, SOURCES say he’s been... different.

He now reportedly introduces himself as “Gregory Tyler”, asks teammates to call him “G-Ty,” and during one post-game interview simply said, “I don’t remember the play, but I feel legendary.”
​
The CCW front office is now “seriously considering” expanded concussion protocols, including mandatory post-jack-off spelling tests and a 5-minute time-out to remember one’s own name.

🪨 DUDAS TO REBRAND FRANCHISE AS “SOUTHSIDE BIG ROCKS, PRESENTED BY BOULDER BRO™”

The commercialism of pro sports has finally infiltrated the sacred walls of CCW.

Brendan Dudas, manager of the Short Shorts, is reportedly attempting to sell out the franchise harder than a stadium tour sponsored by an energy drink.

Per trademark filings obtained by Jorf, Dudas is preparing to rename the Shorts to:
“The Southside Big Rocks, Presented by Boulder Bro™”

New uniforms are rumored to include denim sleeveless vests, trucker caps, and a team boulder mascot named “Gravel.” Sources say Dudas is also pitching themed walk-up music and trying to land a Red Bull sponsorship that involves base coaches riding dirt bikes.

One anonymous player said, “At this point, I’m not sure if we’re playing wiffle ball or starring in a Discovery Channel pilot.”

👶 YAKKERS SCOUTING SENSATION: SMITHEY’S NEWBORN

Yes, you read that correctly.

After ongoing injuries have created a need for creative roster management, the Yakkers are looking to a rookie... literally.

Team brass is reportedly signing Will Smithey’s newborn child to an active player deal, hoping that some of dad’s elite two-way talent made it through the gene pool.

While the newborn can’t yet walk, throw, or speak, insiders believe he has a “raw competitiveness” and “solid launch angle” when being burped. Plans are reportedly in place for him to lead off and start Game 1 of the Yakkers’ next series.

Said one scout: “Honestly, that baby already shows more plate discipline than half the league.”

🐢 “STINKY RICK” HEADED TO CCW? LAUGEL’S TURTLE-HELMETED PROTEGÉ IN TALKS

The YiSH invasion continues.

After Laugel, Scott, and Swingler made the leap from Southern Illinois to CCW stardom, a fourth import may be joining the league: the myth, the man, the moss-covered legend--“Stinky” Rick “The Turtle Man” Hargraves.

Rick is known for three things:

1. Wearing a turtle shell as a helmet.
2. Refusing to speak—he only communicates through grunts and interpretive dance.
3. Throwing an absurd moonball pitch called “The Big Stink,” which he lobs nearly to the stratosphere before it plops back into the zone with horrifying consistency.

​
One CCW hitter said, “I swung at it, missed, and then it hit me on the head. I’m still not sure how.”
Hargraves has reportedly been spotted dragging a wheelbarrow full of boiled eggs and bat knobs into the dugout of an undisclosed team.

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​Stay Tuned...As we approach the back half of the season, you can bet there’s more drama, more jack-offs, and definitely more boulder-related press releases to come.
Until then, I’ve been Jorf Porsson. You’ve been informed. And my SOURCES never sleep.

Want more Jorf? Subscribe to “Wiffle Truthers Weekly,” follow @JorfInsideInfo, and never trust a man who can’t jack in a jack-off.

A New Collection of CCW Aces

Somehow, the pitching in this league just continues to get better. 

Think back a few years ago, when of the guys still in the league, Smithey and Reid Werner were in a class alone. Then, Myc Witty and Aidan Palmer forced themselves into the same tier. Last year, Dustin Dowden and Holden Palmer brought themselves up to the same competitive level - not because of any dropoff from the guys already in that tier, but due to a steady improvement from them. This year, three new names are poised, pending continued strong work, to join that same echelon. 

Mitch Buis has been a strong, borderline ace-level arm in the league for years now, but so far this year, he is looking like he’s taken another step forward. Through 3 starts, only two other pitchers have struck out more batters than he has. He allowed just one run each in two of his three starts. Most of the damage he’s allowed has come off the slow pitch - when he’s on the board, Mitch is as unhittable as any guy in the league.

The other half of the Hounds’ pitching two-headed monster is Austin Alles. Alles got his first action on the mound last season, showing serious potential, but failing to consistently hit the board enough for prolonged success. But, in what is bad news for the rest of the league, he’s hitting the board this season. Alles has a paltry 1.64 ERA across 11 innings - the 6th best among pitchers with at least 2 games under their belt. His performance is capped off by a dazzling 4 inning, complete game one-hitter with 10 Ks against the high-powered Stampede this last week. 

The most under-the-radar addition to the list is rookie Brayden Scott. Though a relative unknown to CCW, Scott has had success nationally with the YiSH group, and he hasn’t missed a beat so far in his rookie season. He’s supposed to be the Stampede’s 3rd arm (!!) and yet he’s tossed 15 stellar innings, allowing one single run across those 3 starts, scattering just 11 hits. Scott pounds the board as well as anyone in the league, and so your only hope is stringing together a few hits, as you’re unlikely to get a lob pitch against him. 

If you’re counting at home, that gives us 9 guys in the league able to shut down any offense on any given night. As a hitter, you’ve got over a 50% chance you’re seeing one of these guys in a game. Good luck. 

Aidan Palmer is Going to Challenge for a League MVP

Aidan had what was likely the best season in his already storied CCW career last season, and he looks to have taken yet another step further in 2025. The Stampede’s embarrassment of pitching riches have brought Aidan into just 2 games on the mound so far - but what we’ve seen from him so far has been outstanding. Through 2 games, Aidan has allowed just one hit, zero runs, and is striking batters at a rate higher than everyone but Reid Werner. He’s making it clear that his pitching ascendence last season was no fluke, and is still rising.

Perhaps more impactfully, though, Palmer is putting together a much improved offensive campaign. He’s hovering right around the top 10 of total offensive value thus far, powered by 4 home runs, tied with several others at 3rd in the league. He works deep counts, pressuring pitchers to deliver 3 high-quality strikes, as his swing against the lob ball or get-me-over meatballs is as dangerous as any.

It has historically taken two-way success to claim a league MVP award, and Aidan is performing at a high level in both phases of the game right now. If he, and the Stampede by extension, continue their pace, he may have the best argument for the award. 
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Myc Witty is Looking like an Elite Offensive Player

Though we just spent the last paragraph giving another MVP front-runner his flowers, that whole conversation may be a moot point if Myc Witty continues at the pace he is at. He’s, as you know, been a truly dominant pitcher for the last two seasons, and the only thing keeping him from claiming league MVP in back-to-back years as well was his lack of offensive production, compared to Will Smithey’s.

Well, as of this writing, Witty is putting up elite offensive numbers, behind only Smithey and Thomas Hopkins in overall hitting value. And, he’s doing it in ways that feel natural and sustainable to him. His .500 batting average is insane, and yet unsurprising. With his speed, anything hit on the ground or on a line is likely to be a base hit. He’s striking out fewer than most of the top hitters in the league, which of course means he’s putting it in play plenty. And, he’s producing just enough power - 2 home runs so far - to keep defenses honest and provide some instant offense.

The Dowden Transaction Chain Trickle Down Impact

One of the more interesting roster shake-ups in recent memory took place just before fast pitch season, with Dustin Dowden announcing his return to the league. Teams making a waiver claim are required to drop a player with value one tier below the one they are signing - which meant that they couldn’t just drop a rookie or role player. So, when the Yakkers grabbed Dowden, they chose to drop Thomas Hopkins, whom the Moonshots picked up. The Moonshots dropped Connor Young to accommodate that, who was picked up by the Shorts. Their dropped rookie, Byron Young, went unclaimed, and made his way back to the Shorts.

What is particularly interesting about this series of moves is that without exception, all of these guys involved are putting up monster years. It would be easy to say “wow, what a blunder by the Yakkers, look how good Thomas has been” - but that would be ignoring the dominance that Dowden has exhibited so far. As such, each one of these teams may make the same move again, if they had to do it all over again.

Dustin has been among the most effective pitchers in the league thus far, sporting a microscopic 0.49 ERA, and one of those two runs allowed came on two consecutive duck farts by the Shorts to win the game. He’s also hitting, hovering around the top 10 in offensive producers, buoyed by a 3 home run weekend against the 8 Balls.

Hopkins is putting together the best season of his already long and successful career. He’s already nearly matched his offensive production last season in ⅓ of the games. He’s hitting .500, he’s clubbed 7 home runs, and has an OPS at a whopping 1.955 - all of which are tops in the league.

And let’s not forget Connor Young, who has been a crucial contributor for the Shorts offensively, as well. He’s missed a couple of games, but he narrowly missed out on Hitter of the Week in week 2. His 2 home runs and pull-side power make him a danger any at-bat, and he sits right around the top 5 hitters in the league thus far. 

The Yakkers Tinkering May Be Paying Off

The Yakkers have had a disappointing start to the 2025 fast pitch season, but they’ve been dealt an impossible hand. When they signed Dowden at the expense of losing Hopkins, they went all in on a pitching trio of Dowden, Alec Buchman, and Rudy Lyon. Since, Buchman has unfortunately suffered what looks to be a season-ending injury, and the expected important complementary bat in Sawyer Mitchell has been nowhere to be found.

To manager Rudy Lyon’s credit, though, he hasn’t thrown in the towel, and has instead been scrounging the waiver wire to fill the holes. In Buchman’s absence, the Yakkers took a swing on Justin Swingler, a former YiSH ace. His one outing was nothing to write home about, but he has the pedigree to potentially be a strong number 2 option. Lyon and DLewwy will have to carry more innings than expected, but that pitching depth is strong. Most recently, they added veteran James Haworth, who immediately made his presence felt with a big first weekend. He brings a dynamic bat, speed, and defense to a team lacking in those areas.

The biggest question on these acquisitions comes down to playoff eligibility. With nearly half of the season gone, these new additions and Mitchell, who hasn’t been at a fast pitch game yet, will have to be at the Dirtyard just about every week from here on out to gain eligibility. If they aren’t able to, they may help the Yakkers’ footing in the standings, but would leave them shorthanded still when the playoffs come around. In either case, the team looked as good this past week as they have at any point this season, and may no longer be the clear bottom-dwellers. 

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Which of these trends will stick in the league’s second half? Will we see a first-time MVP, or will a stalwart claim the title? Stay tuned to find out! 
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First, let's open in a word of prayer to your deity of preference that we get clear skies and no rain on Wednesday. Amen. 

Week 3 was cut short by the aforementioned conditions, with each team playing just one game apiece. We expect a full slate of games this week, though, as we hit the one-third way mark of the regular season. Here's what to expect this week. 

Stampede vs Hounds
Probable Starters
Aidan Palmer (STD)
Brayden Scott (STD)
Mitch Buis (HWC)
Austin Alles (HWC)

I predict 2 amazing pitching duels in this series. Scott and Alles, two of the largest humans in the league, and Palmer and Buis, tall lanky and nasty. Buis and Alles are stingy to get runs off, but the Stampede's offense is home run happy. Scoring off Aidan looks impossible so far and Brayden’s only surrendered 1 run over 10 innings himself. If either of these games have more than 3 combined runs, I’ll be surprised, and I think those runs happen from dingers not from a string of hits.
Prediction: Stampede win both games


8 Balls Vs Yaks
Probable Starters
Reid Werner (I8B)
Alec Berninger/John Mitchell (I8B)
Dustin Dowden (YAK)
“Arm by committee” (YAK)

The Yaks may look like they’re in a bit of a tail spin but I’m sure Dowden has other plans. Beating Reid is unlikely, and I would guess the Yaks may choose to throw the committee at him. If not, I’d expect a jack-off that 8 Balls look built for. Expect Rudy to put his NHL career aspirations aside and throw some innings for the first time this season. Berny’s stuff has looked good so far this year but has the time off helped or hurt him? I have been informed that John Mitchell, officially the tallest person in the League, may get some innings in if he shows. Whatever the case ends up being I think this series will end up being close, but the games may not necessarily end up being close.
Prediction: Split 1-1




Moonshots Vs Shorts
Probable Starters
Will Smithey (MID)
Ian Garvalia (MID)
Myc Witty (SS)
Dustin Laugel/Connor Young (SS)
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Good news is Witty is back, the Bad news is Dudas is gone. The Shorts can’t afford to lose anymore offense, and this week is looking tough without their leader (despite the rumors of him being washed). This series is hard to predict, Smithey and Witty would be a jackoff most likely, which heavily favors the Moonshots. If those two pitch off from each other they will undoubtedly beat Ian or myself (Laugel).  Speaking of myself, I played in a tournament Sunday where I told myself I wasn’t pitching but emergencies on the mound led me to throw 6 additional innings in between CCW starts. As I write this, I don’t see any possible way my arm can throw much if at all tomorrow. I’m counting on Connor Young to bail me out in this one. Connor showed some promise in his rookie campaign and I hope he can deliver a stellar debut here at a time when the Shorts may need him most. Ian Garvalia has given some quality starts thus far, and winning against him will be by no means be a cake walk.
Prediction: Split 1-1

Stampede vs Yaks
Probable Starters
Holden Palmer (STD)
Brayden Scott (STD)
Dustin Dowden (YAK)
“Arm by committee” (YAK)
Holden Palmer looks to improve on what was a solid first outing. I think Holden stays on the board more this time around and puts up a lot of 0’s. The only way I see him getting beat with the Pedes high-power offense is if Dustin Dowden continues to destroy batters like he has the prior two starts (Holden-Dustin matchup not confirmed just speculation). Dowden was served his first loss and earned run last time out and no doubt he’s looking to avenge that. I fully expect Dowden to be on the right side of pitching duel this week with a possible Jackoff pending (Context... Jackoff = CCW's extra inning home run derby). Brayden “PP” (No Context) Scott is back in action and while it’s hard to believe he will throw another 1ER, 10k game, I wouldn’t put it past him. “Arm by committee” is what Rudy told me on game two, perhaps doubting his lack of reps on the mound this season, but I’d expect very little rust from the seasoned vet. New to the Yakkers pitching committee is rookie to the league, but not the sport, Justin Swingler. Swingler is mostly unknown by the League so I’ll give him what maybe his only 15 minutes of fame here. Long time ace of the Buschwackers, (until 2024 PP) Justin completes what was once known as, and still egotistically referred to as, the YiSH’s “Big 3” (Swingler, Laugel, Scott). Swingler attempted to retire from pitching (and all of Wiffs) at the end of the 2023 season due to a nagging arm injury that we believe to be his UCL (Tommy John). Seeing myself (Laugel) and Brayden still pitching/playing absolutely kills him on the inside so here we are, 3 morons traveling 100 minutes east from southern Illinois to play professional wiffle ball. Gone are Justin’s 90 mph days, but I’ve witness low 80s from him this year, the question IF he throws is how long and how often will he stay on the board? Historically he’s the best NWLA hitter for the YiSH/Buschwackers, but I expect significant rust in his first week of CCW. How will the 3x YiSH MVP fair against CCW while supposedly past his prime? Justin, we’re not in Illinois anymore….


Prediction: Split 1-1


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8 Balls Vs Shorts
Probable Starters
Reid Werner (I8B)
Alec Berninger (I8B)
Dustin Laugel (SS)
Connor Young/Brendan Dudas/”Anyone with a pulse” (SS)
Oh boy, a week without Witty - that means the Shorts will try to keep from soiling themselves by sending the idiot writing this on the mound. I’ve learned one thing over the years, when I feel good, I get shelled, when I feel like hell, I somehow manage a gem. Currently I feel like hell and don’t expect to feel better so the Shorts may be in for a treat. It’s a tall order pitching against Reid Werner and not just because he’s 6’ 4”; If that’s the matchup I’m expected to win, bad news boys, I’m not your guy. The Shorts offense look to keep it going after an outburst in week 2, but unfortunately I sure as hell don’t see it coming against Reid. Alec Berninger’s stuff has looked pretty good thus far, plenty good to spin a gem, but throwing strikes has been a challenge at times. I expect a better Berny this week, but will it be good enough for a W? Connor Young makes his 2025 pitching Debut with high hopes he can shut down the “Shorts only have 2 pitchers” narrative. Connor gave some decent innings last year as a rookie and I expect him to be much more controlled this year. Dudas closed out a game in week 2 and hit 90mph once. Dudas is quite the specimen on the mound, I was impressed with the consistent 85-87 with nasty movement, BUT how often can he stay on the board? How any human being could pitch with such violent mechanics for more than 1 inning is beyond me.


Prediction: Split 1-1


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Moonshots Vs Hounds
Probable Starters
Will Smithey (MID)
Connor Smith (MID)
Mitch Buis (HWC)
Austin Alles (HWC)


I went back and forth on the previous two matchups weather they would be splits or sweeps, but in my opinion, this doubleheader is the easiest split pick. Expect Buis to give a vintage bounce back performance after a rocky start in week 2 and expect Smithey to throw a shutout to keep his fatherhood ERA 0.00. Connor Smith is called upon to give some meaningful innings this week, and Connor showed signs he can give valuable innings last year, just needs more consistency. Whether he matches up against Mitch or Alles, I don’t think the odds are in his favor, but stranger things have happened. Alles looked large and in charge last time out (not a fat joke, he’s just a big dude) giving up only 2 runs in a losing, but stellar effort against Witty and the Shorts. Alles seems to get better every time he pitches, and I don’t expect any different result this week.
Prediction: Split 1-1​